PERMISSIBLE POSITIONS
The human body takes on three postures most naturally; i.e. standing, sitting (or squatting) and laying down. As far as the positions of sexual intercourse are concerned, Islam has granted general permission provided that no unnatural act such as anal sex is performed.
How ever from medical point of view, sex in the standing position is undesirable (a complete chapter on this issue further ahead)
Thus two postures remain; the sitting or squatting posture and the sleeping posture. In this regard, there are certain subtle indications in the Quran and Hadith.
For example, in one verse of the Quran, Allah Ta’ala states:-
“It is He who created you from a single person, and made his mate thereof, in order that he may take comfort in her. Then when he covered her, she bore a light burden….”7/189
This is when a women lies in the supine position; while the man’s body lies over her in manner that he covers her body with his.
In the Hadith explaining the manner of ghusal, the following method of sexual union is alluded to:
“….When any of you sits between the four portions of a woman and then exerts himself upon her…..”
There is a difference of opinion as far as the interpretation of “four portions of a woman” is concerned. This seems to refer to the position in which a woman lifts her knees and the man enters her in a sitting/squatting posture, in which instance her thighs and calfs form the “four portions”. And Allah knows best.
Furthermore, any other posture or position, husband and wife desire to choose, is quite in order. Once Hazrat Umar (Radiyallahu-Anhum) had intercourse with his wife through rear entry (not anal entry). Later he was overtaken by the thought that perhaps he had committed an undesirable act. Immediately he rushed off to Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Aalyhi-Wasallam) calling out: “I have destroyed, I have been destroyed….! “He was asked what was the matter, to which he recounted his fear of having committed an undesirable act. Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi-Wasallam) remained silent, giving no answer. Some time later, these verses of the Quran were revealed:
“Your wives are a tillage (farm) unto you, thus approach your tillage from wherever you wish”.-2/223.
Thereafter Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) explained the purport of this verse: that intercourse is permissible in any position, from front or rear, so long as anal sex does not place, for that is haram. The example of the Quran for women is that of a farm; which can be approached from any direction, provided the seeds are planted only in the farm and not elsewhere! Similarly any method of approach is permissible, whether husband is on the wife or vice-versa, or whether they are on their sides or from the rear, whether sleeping flat or whether squatting, all positions are permissible, so long as his “seeds” are planted in the “farm” and not else where.
There was a false notion; a baseless superstition that the Jews of Madina entertained as far as rear entry was concerned. According to them, the child born out of such union would be squint eyed. Some Muslims were misled by this myth of the Jews. When the above-mentioned were verse of the Quran was revealed, all such false conceptions were shattered and demolished for once and all.
31 Ekim 2010 Pazar
TINTENTION FOR SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
TINTENTION FOR SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
Hazrat Ali (Radiallahu Anhum) is reported to have said in his WASA (advices):
“At the time of sexual intercourse, the following intentions should be made:
1.Protection against zina (adultery)
2.protection of the gaza from strange women
3.Attainment of pious and upright progeny who will serve Islam.
When intercourse is enjoyed with the correct intentions, then not only is an act of physical pleasure, but it also becomes an act of reward and Sawab.
In this regard the gist of a Hadith explains that even intercourse with one’s wife is rewardable and regarded as Sadaqah. The Sahaba (Radiyallahu-Anhum) were greatly astounded upon this-that here a man is gratifying his sexual lusts and desires and yet he is being rewarded for it? Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) explained to them that had this man gratified himself in a haram manner he would be punished for it, then why should he not be rewarded for satisfying himself in a Halaal manner? He will certainly be rewarded.
Hazrat Ali (Radiallahu Anhum) is reported to have said in his WASA (advices):
“At the time of sexual intercourse, the following intentions should be made:
1.Protection against zina (adultery)
2.protection of the gaza from strange women
3.Attainment of pious and upright progeny who will serve Islam.
When intercourse is enjoyed with the correct intentions, then not only is an act of physical pleasure, but it also becomes an act of reward and Sawab.
In this regard the gist of a Hadith explains that even intercourse with one’s wife is rewardable and regarded as Sadaqah. The Sahaba (Radiyallahu-Anhum) were greatly astounded upon this-that here a man is gratifying his sexual lusts and desires and yet he is being rewarded for it? Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) explained to them that had this man gratified himself in a haram manner he would be punished for it, then why should he not be rewarded for satisfying himself in a Halaal manner? He will certainly be rewarded.
What does Islam teach about masturbation?
What does Islam teach about masturbation?
“Masturbation is generally considered forbidden in Islam since it is deemed to fall under the category of sexual satisfaction outside the framework of marriage.
According to the Qur’an, those who seek fulfillment outside the framework of marriage are deemed transgressors. Referring to this, Allah Almighty says: “Those who guard their sexual organs except with their spouses or those whom their right hands possess, for (with regard to them) they are without blame. But those who crave something beyond that are transgressors.” (Al-Mu'minoon:5-7)
While explaining this verse, one often finds the commentators listing masturbation under the list of the forbidden categories of sexual fulfillment.
What we have stated above is the generally accepted view. However, according to some scholars, if a person is so tormented by his intense sexual desire or craving that he fears falling into Zina (fornication), in such a case, masturbation is permitted as the lesser of the two evils. His case may be compared to that of a person who is permitted to eat pork because of fear of death by starvation.
However, having mentioned the above, we must state that one hardly needs to resort to it when we recognize the relatively flexible approach towards marriage that Islam adopts. Unfortunately, against the clear teachings of Islam, marriage has been rendered another difficult process today due to warped customs and conventions and undue expectations. When we approach marriage from the point of view of pristine Islam, we shall find less and less people being forced to exercise the above type of exceptional rulings.”
"In Islam marriage is a partnership based on mutual rights and obligations. It is, therefore, important that both spouses try their best to be considerate and sensitive towards the needs and feelings of one another and do their best to satisfy each other within the bounds of Islam.
Sexual fulfillment is an important part of the mutual obligations of husband and wife. Your husband definitely needs to be aware of his duty towards you in this respect, and take it seriously. Just as you have a duty to satisfy him, he is also obligated to satisfy you.
Should he be suffering from a sexual dysfunction, he is required to seek professional advice in order for your marriage to be a happy one. If he cannot satisfy you through sexual intercourse, he is perfectly justified in satisfying you through other avenues; he could very well masturbate you; if he were to do this, he is working within the perfect limits of Islam; his doing it on you is different from you doing it on yourself. A person masturbating on himself/herself is not allowed in Islam except in dire necessity where one fears falling into adultery; marriage is intended in Islam to be a shield against that. So being married, you should never be forced into this option.
If in spite of your best efforts to convince your husband, he still remains insensitive to your needs in this respect, you are justified in taking whatever steps are necessary in terminating your marriage, if you are unable to tolerate it. This is definitely one of the valid grounds for divorce in Islam. This can be inferred from the following incident reported in the authentic traditions; once a woman appeared before the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and told him, I cannot find fault with my husband in matters of religion or character; but he is a total misfit (as far as sexual function is concerned). The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) we are told, ordered a termination of the marriage."
(Sheikh Ahmad Kutty)
"The majority of Muslim scholars consider masturbation haram (unlawful). Imam Malik bases his judgment on the verse: 'Those who guard their sexual organs except with their spouses or those whom their right hands possess, for (with regard to them) they are without blame. But those who crave something beyond that are transgressors.' (Al-Mu'minoon:5-7)
Imam Malik argued that the masturbator is one of those who ‘crave something beyond that.’
On the other hand, it is reported that Imam Ahmad Ibn Hanbal regarded semen as an excretion of the body like other excrete, and permitted its expulsion the same way blood letting is permitted. Ibn Hazm holds the same view. However, the Hanbali jurists permit masturbation only under two conditions: first, the fear of committing fornication or adultery, and second, not having the means to marry.
We are inclined to accept the opinion of Imam Ahmad in a situation in which there is sexual excitation and danger of committing the haram [adultery]. For example, a young man has gone abroad to study or work, thereby encountering many temptations which he fears he will be unable to resist, may resort to this method of relieving sexual tension provided he does not do it excessively or make it a habit. Yet, better than this is the Prophet's advice to the Muslim youth who is unable to marry, namely, that he seeks help through frequent fasting, for fasting nurtures will-power, teaches control of desires, and strengthens the fear of Allah. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said, 'O youth, whoever of you is able to marry, let him marry, for it spares one looking at what one should not, or lapsing in adultery. And if he cannot marry, let him observe fasting, for it is a shield against evil.' (Reported by Muslim.)"
(Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi )
“Masturbation is generally considered forbidden in Islam since it is deemed to fall under the category of sexual satisfaction outside the framework of marriage.
According to the Qur’an, those who seek fulfillment outside the framework of marriage are deemed transgressors. Referring to this, Allah Almighty says: “Those who guard their sexual organs except with their spouses or those whom their right hands possess, for (with regard to them) they are without blame. But those who crave something beyond that are transgressors.” (Al-Mu'minoon:5-7)
While explaining this verse, one often finds the commentators listing masturbation under the list of the forbidden categories of sexual fulfillment.
What we have stated above is the generally accepted view. However, according to some scholars, if a person is so tormented by his intense sexual desire or craving that he fears falling into Zina (fornication), in such a case, masturbation is permitted as the lesser of the two evils. His case may be compared to that of a person who is permitted to eat pork because of fear of death by starvation.
However, having mentioned the above, we must state that one hardly needs to resort to it when we recognize the relatively flexible approach towards marriage that Islam adopts. Unfortunately, against the clear teachings of Islam, marriage has been rendered another difficult process today due to warped customs and conventions and undue expectations. When we approach marriage from the point of view of pristine Islam, we shall find less and less people being forced to exercise the above type of exceptional rulings.”
"In Islam marriage is a partnership based on mutual rights and obligations. It is, therefore, important that both spouses try their best to be considerate and sensitive towards the needs and feelings of one another and do their best to satisfy each other within the bounds of Islam.
Sexual fulfillment is an important part of the mutual obligations of husband and wife. Your husband definitely needs to be aware of his duty towards you in this respect, and take it seriously. Just as you have a duty to satisfy him, he is also obligated to satisfy you.
Should he be suffering from a sexual dysfunction, he is required to seek professional advice in order for your marriage to be a happy one. If he cannot satisfy you through sexual intercourse, he is perfectly justified in satisfying you through other avenues; he could very well masturbate you; if he were to do this, he is working within the perfect limits of Islam; his doing it on you is different from you doing it on yourself. A person masturbating on himself/herself is not allowed in Islam except in dire necessity where one fears falling into adultery; marriage is intended in Islam to be a shield against that. So being married, you should never be forced into this option.
If in spite of your best efforts to convince your husband, he still remains insensitive to your needs in this respect, you are justified in taking whatever steps are necessary in terminating your marriage, if you are unable to tolerate it. This is definitely one of the valid grounds for divorce in Islam. This can be inferred from the following incident reported in the authentic traditions; once a woman appeared before the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and told him, I cannot find fault with my husband in matters of religion or character; but he is a total misfit (as far as sexual function is concerned). The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) we are told, ordered a termination of the marriage."
(Sheikh Ahmad Kutty)
"The majority of Muslim scholars consider masturbation haram (unlawful). Imam Malik bases his judgment on the verse: 'Those who guard their sexual organs except with their spouses or those whom their right hands possess, for (with regard to them) they are without blame. But those who crave something beyond that are transgressors.' (Al-Mu'minoon:5-7)
Imam Malik argued that the masturbator is one of those who ‘crave something beyond that.’
On the other hand, it is reported that Imam Ahmad Ibn Hanbal regarded semen as an excretion of the body like other excrete, and permitted its expulsion the same way blood letting is permitted. Ibn Hazm holds the same view. However, the Hanbali jurists permit masturbation only under two conditions: first, the fear of committing fornication or adultery, and second, not having the means to marry.
We are inclined to accept the opinion of Imam Ahmad in a situation in which there is sexual excitation and danger of committing the haram [adultery]. For example, a young man has gone abroad to study or work, thereby encountering many temptations which he fears he will be unable to resist, may resort to this method of relieving sexual tension provided he does not do it excessively or make it a habit. Yet, better than this is the Prophet's advice to the Muslim youth who is unable to marry, namely, that he seeks help through frequent fasting, for fasting nurtures will-power, teaches control of desires, and strengthens the fear of Allah. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) is reported to have said, 'O youth, whoever of you is able to marry, let him marry, for it spares one looking at what one should not, or lapsing in adultery. And if he cannot marry, let him observe fasting, for it is a shield against evil.' (Reported by Muslim.)"
(Sheikh Yusuf Al-Qaradawi )
SEX EDUCATION, TEENAGE PREGNANCY, SEX IN ISLAM AND MARRIAGE
SEX EDUCATION, TEENAGE PREGNANCY, SEX IN ISLAM AND MARRIAGE
SHAHID ATHAR
If you tell kids about sex, they'll do it. If you tell them about VD, they'll go out and get it. Incredible as may seem, most oppositions to sex education in this country are based on the assumption that knowledge is harmful. But research in this area reveals that ignorance and unresolved curiosity, not knowledge, are harmful. Our failure to tell children what they want and need to know is one reason we have the highest rates of out-of-wedlock teens pregnancy and abortion of any highly developed country in the world."
"What Kids Need to Know,"
Psychology Today, October 1986. Dr. Sol Gordon,
Professor Emeritus, Syracuse University,
and an expert on sex education
"Say: Are they equal those who know, and those who do not know?" (39:9). "Blessed are the women of the Helpers. Their modesty did not stand in the way of their seeking knowledge about their religion" (Bukhari and Muslim).
INTRODUCTION
Although the Quran has placed so much emphasis on acquiring knowledge, and in the days of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) Muslim men and women were never too shy to ask him questions including those related to private affairs such as sexual life, for Muslim parents of today, sex is a dirty word. They feel uncomfortable in discussing sex education with their children, but do not mind the same being taught at their children's school by secular or non-Muslim teachers (of even the opposite sex), by their peers of either sex, and by the media and television. An average child is exposed to 9000 sexual scenes per year.
These parents should know that sex is not always a dirty word. It is an important aspect of our life. God Who cares for all the aspects of our life, and not just the way of worshipping Him, discusses reproduction, creation, family life, menstruation and even ejaculation in the Quran. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), who was sent to us as an example, discussed many aspects of sexual life including sexual positions with his Companions.
The main reason Muslim parents do not or cannot discuss sex education with their children is because of the their cultural upbringing, not their religious training. They are often brought up in a state of ignorance in regard to sex issues. As a result, they may not be comfortable with their own sexuality or its expression. They leave Islamic education to Islamic Sunday schools and sex education to American public schools and the media.
WHAT IS SEX EDUCATION AND WHO SHOULD GIVE IT?
Is sex education about knowing the anatomy and physiology of the human body or about the act of sex or about reproduction and family life or about prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy? Is giving sex ed equivalent to permission in engaging in sex? One sex educator at my son's school told the parents, "I am not planning to tell your children whether or not they should engage in sex or how to do it but in case they decide to do it, they should know how to prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STD), venereal diseases (VD), acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) and pregnancy."
The problem with this is that at the present time sex ed as taught in the public schools is incomplete. It does not cover morality associated with sex, sexual dysfunctions and deviations and the institution of marriage.
One of the basic questions is, "Do children need sex education?" Do you teach a baby duck how to swim or just put it in the water and let it swim? After all, for thousands of years men and women have been having sex without any formal education. In many traditional civilizations, sex education starts after marriage and with trial and error. Some couples learn it faster than others and do it better than others due to difference in sexual perception and expression of one partner. In my opinion having a dozen children is not necessarily proof of their love. An appropriate and healthy sex education is crucial to the fulfillment of a happy marriage.
With regard to the question who should teach sex ed, I believe everyone has to play his or her role. Parents have to assume a more responsible role. A father has a duty to be able to answer his son's questions and a mother has the same duty to her daughter. We can hardly influence the sex ed taught in public schools or by the media, but we can supplement that with an ethical and moral dimension adding family love and responsibility. Apart from these players, some role can be played by Sunday school teachers, the family physician, the pediatrician and the clergy. Within a family, the older sister has a duty towards the younger one and the elder brother has a duty towards younger ones.
Figure 1: Pregnancy Profile (reprinted with the permission of Time Magazine).
Figure 2: An American Dilemma (reprinted with the permission of Time Magazine).
SEX EDUCATION IN AMERICAN SCHOOLS
Sex education is given in every American school, public or private, from grades 2 to 12. The projected 1990 cost to the nation was $2 billion per year. Teachers are told to give technical aspects of sex ed without telling the students about moral values or how to make the right decisions. After describing the male and female anatomy and reproduction, the main emphasis is on the prevention of venereal diseases and teenage pregnancy. With the rise of AIDS, the focus is on 'Safe Sex' which means having condoms available each time you decide to have sex with someone you don't know. With the help of our tax dollars, about 76 schools in the country have started dispensing free condoms and contraceptives to those who go to school health clinics. Very soon there will be vending machines in school hallways where 'children' can get a condom each time they feel like having sex.
The role of parents is minimized by American sex educators and sometimes ridiculed. In one of the sex ed movies I was made to watch a film called, "Am I Normal?" as a parent at my son's school. Whenever the young boy asks his father a question about sex, the father, shown as a bum and a slob, shuns him and changes the topic. Finally the boy learns it from a stranger and then is shown going into a movie theater with his girlfriend.
Sex education as promoted by some Western educators is devoid of morality is in many ways unacceptable to our value system. The examples of the teachings of one such educator are:
a. Nudity in homes (in shower or bedroom) is a good and healthy way to introduce sexuality to smaller (under 5) children, giving them an opportunity to ask questions. At the same time, in the same book, he also states that 75% of all child molestation and incest (500,000 per year) occur by a close relative (parent, step-parent or another family member).
b. A child's playing with genitals of another child is a permissible 'naive exploration' and not a reason for scolding or punishment. He is also aware that boys as young as 12 have raped girls as young as 8. We don't know when this 'naive exploration' becomes a sex act.
c. Children caught reading dirty magazines should not be made to feel guilty, but parents should use it as a chance to get some useful points across to him or her about sexual attitudes, values and sex exploitation, Like charity, pornography should start at home!
d. If your daughter or son is already sexually active, instead of telling them to stop, the parent's moral duty is to protect their health and career by providing them information and means for contraception and avoiding VD. Maybe this its true for rebellious teens and their submissive parents!
Educators like the one referred to above do not believe that giving sexual information means giving the OK for sex. I just wonder as to why some folks after being told the shape, color, smell and taste of a new fruit, and pleasures derived from eating it, would not like to try it? These educators say that even if your child does not ask any questions about sex, parents should initiate the discussion using i.e. a neighbors pregnancy, a pet's behavior, advertisement, popular music or a TV show. I wonder why these educators are obsessed with loading children with sexual information whether they want it or not.
THE MORE THEY KNOW IT - THE MORE THEY DO IT
Sex education in American schools has not helped decrease the teenager incidence of VD or teenage pregnancy. This is because it has not changed their sex habits. According to Marion Wright Elderman, President of the Children' Defense Fund, in a recent report, out of every twenty teens, ten are sexually active but only four use conceptions, two get pregnant and one gives birth. In 1982, a John Hopkins study found one out of every five 15 year olds, and one in three 16 year olds are sexually active. The incidence increased to 43% in 17 year olds. The Louis Harris poll in 1986 found that 57% of the nations 17 year olds, 46% of 16 year olds, 29% 15 year old were sexually active. Now it is estimated that about 80% of girls entering college had sexual intercourse at least once. Going to church does not help either. 1438 teenagers, mostly white, attending conservative evangelical church were sent questions about their sex life. 26% of 16 year olds, 35% of 17 year olds, and 43% of 18 year olds said they had sexual intercourse at least once. 33% that responded also said sex outside of marriage was morally acceptable.
HAZARDS OF EARLY SEX
The health hazards of early sex includes sexual trauma, increase in incidence of cervical cancer, sexually transmitted disease and teenage pregnancy. We will take up each individually. A variety of injuries are possible and do happen when sex organs are not ready for sex in terms of full maturation. Some of these injuries have a long lasting effect. Cervical cancer has been thought to be related to sex at an early age and with multiple partners. Dr. Nelson and his associates in their article on epidemiology of cervical cancer call it a sexually transmitted disease,
TEENAGE PREGNANCY
About one million or more teenage girls become pregnant every year, at a rate of 3000 per day, 80% of whom are unmarried. Out of this I million, about 500,000, decide to keep their baby, and 450,000 are aborted (or ? murdered). 100,000 decide to deliver and give the baby up for adoption. In 1950 the incidence of birth from unmarried teenagers was only 13.9%, but in 1985 it increased to 59%. It is a myth that teenage pregnancy is a problem of the black and poor. To the contrary 2/3 teens getting pregnant now are white, suburban and above the poverty income level. The pregnancy rate (without marriage) in 54,000 enlisted Navy women is 40% as compared to 17% in the general population.
What is the life of those who have teenage pregnancy? Only 50% complete high school and more than 50% of them are on welfare. They themselves become child abusers and their children, when grown up, have 82% incidence of teenage pregnancy. 8.6 billion dollars are spent every year for the financial and health care support of teenage mothers., The sexual revolution of the 60's has affected another dimension of health care. In 1985 alone, 10 million cases of chlamydia, 2 million cases of gonorrhea, I million venereal warts, 0.5 million genital herpes and 90,000 syphilis were diagnosed. The plague of AIDS is adding a new twist to our fears. 200,000 cases have been diagnosed in the US alone, out of which 50% have already died. The disease is growing at a rate of one case every 14 minutes and so far there is no effective treatment. Father Bruce Ritter in New York, who operates shelters for runaway children, says the biggest threat to the nation's 1 million runaways is the threat of AIDS now.
WHY DO CHILDREN GET INVOLVED IN SEX?
There are many reasons why children get involved in sex. The most common is peer pressure. Their common response is "since everybody is doing it." One of the reasons is their desire for sexual competence with adults and a way to get ahead. Another common reason is their lack of self-esteem which they want to improve by becoming a father or mother. Sometimes it is due to a lack of other alternatives to divert their sexual energies. It could also be due to a lack of love and appreciation at home. Detachment from home can lead to attachment elsewhere. Sexual pressure on them is everywhere, at school from their peers, from the TV where about 20,000 sexual scenes are broadcasted in advertisement, soap operas, prime time shows and MTV. The hard core rock music nowadays fans the flames of sexual desires. Most parents do not know what kind of music their children are hearing. If they care and listen to rock songs like Eat Me Alive (Judas Priest), Purple Rain (Prince), Losing It (Madonna), The Last American Virgin, Papa Don't Preach, Private Dancer (Tina Turner), Material Girl (Madonna) and Cyndi Lauper's songs, they will know what they are talking about. The songs have pornographic words and sentences which made Kandy Stroud, a former rock fan, begged parents to stop their children from listening to what she calls 'Pornographic Rock'. This shows music does affect our sexual mood. It does so by activating melatonin, the hormone from the pineal gland in the brain which is turned on by darkness and turned off by flashing lights. It is the same gland which has been thought to trigger puberty and affects the reproductive cycle and sex mood.
WHAT IS THE TRUE ROLE OF PARENTS?
American educators are putting the blame for their failures (i.e. teenage pregnancy) on the parents. In fact in Wisconsin and many other states the grandparents of a baby born to a teenager are responsible for the financial support of the child. Remember parents are not needed if their teenage daughter needs contraceptives or abortion. Faced with such hypocrisy, the parents job is to instill in their teenagers mind what is not taught in sex ed classes, i.e. reason not to engage in sex, reason not to get pregnant, etc. At the same time, they should divert their energies to some productive activities like community work, sports, character growth, or Sunday schools. Another role of parents is to help their children make the right decisions.
In Islam anything which leads to wrong is also considered wrong. Therefore parents should control the music children are listening to or the TV program they are watching, the magazines they are reading, and the clothes (which may provoke desire in the opposite sex) they are wearing. While group social activity should be permitted with supervision, dating should not be allowed. When American teenagers start dating, sex is on their mind.
In fact during a recent survey, 25% of college freshman boys responded by saying that if they have paid for the food and the girl does not go all the way, they have a right to force her to have sex. Many of the rapes occur at the end of the date and are not reported. Anything which breaks down sexual inhibition and loss of self-control i.e. alcohol, drugs, parking, petting or just being together for two members of the opposite sex in a secluded place should not be allowed for Muslim teenagers. Kissing and petting is preparing the body for sex. The body can be brought to a point of no return.
In summary Muslim parents should teach their children that they are different from non-Muslims in their value system and way of life. Having a feeling and love in your heart for someone of the opposite sex is different and beyond control, while expression of the same through sex is entirely different and should be under control. Muslim children should be told that they don't drink alcohol, eat pork, take drugs, and they don't have to engage in pre-marital sex either.
ISLAMIC CONCEPT OF SEXUALITY
Islam recognizes the power of sexual need, but the subject is discussed in the Quran and the saying of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in a serious manner, in regard to marital and family life. Parents should familiarize themselves with this body of knowledge.
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
1. "When one of you have sex with your wife, it is a rewarded act of charity." The Companions were surprised and said, "But we do it purely out of our desire. How can it be counted as charity?" The Prophet replied, "If you had done it with a forbidden woman, it would have been counted as a sin, but if you do it in legitimacy, it is counted as charity."
2. "Let not one of you fall upon his wife like a beast falls. It is more appropriate to send a message before the act."
3. "Do not divulge the secrets of your sex life with your wife to another person nor describe her physical feature to anyone."
CONCEPT OF ADULTERY IN ISLAM
God says in the Quran, "Do not go near to adultery. Surely it is a shameful deed and evil, opening roads (to other evils)" (17:32). "Say, 'Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and reason"' (7:33). "Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity" (24:26). Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), has said in many place that adultery is one of the three major sins. However the most interesting story is that of a young man who went to the Prophet and asked for permission to fornicate because he could not control himself. The Prophet dealt with him with reasoning and asked him if he would approve of someone else having illegal sex with his mother, sister, daughter or wife. Each time the man said 'no'. Then the Prophet replied that the woman with whom you plan to have sex is also somebody's mother, sister, daughter or wife. The man understood and repented. The Prophet prayed for his forgiveness.
Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole of society. It is a violation of marital contract. 50% of all first time marriages in this country result in divorce in two years and the main reason for divorce is the adultery of one of the partners. Adultery, which includes both pre-marital and extra marital sex, is an epidemic in this society. Nobody seems to listen to the Bible which says frequently, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The Quranic approach is, "Do not approach adultery."
What does it mean that not only is illegal sex prohibited, but anything which leads to illegal sex is also illegal? These things include dating, free mixing of the sexes, provocative dress, nudity, obscenity and pornography. The dress code both for men and women is to protect them from temptation and desires by on lookers who may lose self-control and fall into sin. "Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity, and God is well acquainted with all they do. And say to the believing woman that they should lower their gaze, and guard their modesty" (24:30-3 1).
CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM
Islam recognizes the strong sexual urge and desire for reproduction. Thus Islam encourages marriage as a legal sexual means and as a shield from immorality (sex without commitment). In Islam the marriage of a man and woman is not just a financial and legal living arrangement, not even just for reproduction, but providing a total commitment to each other, a contract witnessed by God. Love and joy of companionship is a part of the commitment. A married couple assumes a new social status and responsibility for himself, his wife and his children and for the community. The Quran says, "Among His signs is that He created consorts for you from among yourself, so that you may find tranquillity with them, and (He) set love and compassion between you. Verily in this are signs for people who reflect" (30:21).
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
"Marriage is my tradition. He who rejects my tradition is not of me" (Bukhari, Muslim).
"Marriage is half of religion. The other half is being Godfearing" (Tabarani, Hakim).
In Islam there is no fixed rule as to the age of marriage. It is becoming fashionable for young Muslim men not to marry until they have completed their education, have a job, or reached age 26-30 or more. Similarly young Muslim girls say they want to marry after age 24. Why? When asked, they say, "I am not ready for it." Not ready for what? Don't they have normal sexual desire? If the answer is yes, then they have only one of the two choices a) marry or b) postpone sex (abstinence until they marry). The Quran says, "Let those who find not the where withal for marriage, to keep them selves chaste till God find them the means from His Grace" (24:33).
The Prophet said, "Those of you who own the means should marry, otherwise should keep fasting for it curbs desires" (Ibn Massoud). The Western reason for delaying marriage is different than ours. When I suggested this to one of my sexually active young female patients, she bluntly said, "I don't want to sleep with the same guy every night."
ROLE OF MUSLIM PARENTS AND MUSLIM ORGANIZATIONS
I am not proposing that all Muslim youth be married at age 16. But I must say that youth should accept the biological instinct and make decisions which will help to develop a more satisfied life devoted to having a career rather than spending time in chasing (or dreaming about) the opposite sex. Parents should help their sons and daughters in selection of their mate using Islamic practice as a criteria and not race, color or wealth. They should encourage them to know each other in a supervised setting. The community organization has several roles to play.
a) To provide a platform for boys and girls to see and know each other without any intimacy.
b) Offer premarital educational courses to boys and girls over 18 separately to prepare them for the role of father and husband and of mother and wife. The father has a special role, mentioned by Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), "One who is given by God, a child, he should give it a beautiful name, should give him or her education, and training and when he or she attains puberty, he should see to it that he or she is married. If the father does not arrange their marriage after puberty, and the boy or girl is involved in sin, the responsibility of that sin will lie with the father"
MARRIAGE OF MUSLIM GIRLS IN THE USA
Marriage of Muslim girls in this country is becoming a problem. I was not surprised to read the letter of a Muslim father in a national magazine. He complained that in spite of his doing his best in teaching Islam to his children, his college-going daughter announced that she is going to marry a non-Muslim boy whom she met in college.
As a social scientist I am more interested in the analysis of the events. To be more specific, why would a Muslim girl prefer a non-Muslim boy over a Muslim? The following reasons come to mind:
- She is opposed to and scared of arranged marriages. She should be told that not all arranged marriages are bad ones and that 50% of all love marriages end up in a divorce in this country. Arranged marriages can be successful if approved by both the boy and girl. That is, they need to be a party to the arrangement. I am myself opposed to the blind arranged marriage.
- Muslim boys are not available to her to make a choice. While parents have no objection or cannot do anything about non-Muslim boys with whom she talks or socializes at school or college for forty hours a week, she is not allowed to talk to a Muslim boy in the mosque or in a social gathering. If she does, they frown at her or even accuse her of having a loss character. As a Muslim boy put it, "If I grow up knowing only non-Muslim girls, why do my parents expect me to marry a Muslim one?"
- Some Muslim boys do not care for Muslim girls. On the pretext of missionary work after marriage, they get involved with non-Muslim girls because of their easy availability. Muslim parents who also live with an inferiority complex do not mind their son marrying an American girl of European background but they would object if he marries a Muslim girl of a different school of Islamic thought (Shiah/Sunni) or different tribe like Punjabi, Sunni, Pathan, Arab vs. non-Arab, Afro-American vs. immigrant, or different class, Syed vs. non-Syed. Both the parents and the body should be reminded that the criteria for choosing a spouse that was given by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was not wealth nor color but Islamic piety.
- She may have been told that early marriage, that is, age 18 or less, is taboo and that she should wait until the age of 23 or 25. According to statistics, 80% of American girls, while waiting to get settled in life and married, engage freely in sex with multiple boyfriends. However, this option is not available to Muslim girls. Every year nearly one million teenage girls in this country who think that they are not ready for marriage, get pregnant. By the age of 24 when a Muslim girl decides that she is ready for marriage, it may be too large for her. If she reviews the matrimonial ad section in Islamic magazines, she will quickly notice that the boys of the age group of 25 to 30 are looking for girls from 18 to 20 year age group. They may wrongfully assume that an older girl may not be a virgin.
- She may also carry a wrong notion not proven scientifically that marrying healthy cousins may cause congenital deformities in her offspring.
Thus, unless these issues are addressed, many Muslim girls in the US may end up marrying a non-Muslim or remain unmarried.
CURRICULUM FOR ISLAMIC SEX EDUCATION
Islamic sex ed should be taught at home starting at an early age. Before giving education about anatomy and physiology, the belief in the Creator should be well established. As Dostoevsky put it, "Without God, everything is possible," meaning that the lack of belief or awareness of God gives an OK for wrongdoing.
A father should teach his son and a mother should teach her daughter. In the absence of a willing parent, the next best choice should be a Muslim male teacher (preferably a physician) for boys and a Muslim female teacher (preferably a physician) for a girl at the Islamic Sunday school.
The curriculum should be tailored according to age of the child and classes be held separately. Only pertinent answers to a question should be given. By this I mean that if a five year old asks how he or she got into mommie's stomach, there is no need to describe the whole act of intercourse. Similarly it is not necessary to tell a fourteen year old how to put on condoms. This might be taught in premarital class just before his or her marriage. A curriculum for sex ed should Include:
a. Sexual growth and development
* Time table for puberty
* Physical changes during puberty
* Need for family life
b. Physiology of reproductive system
* For girls- the organ, menstruation, premenstrual syndrome
* For boys- the organ, the sex drive
c. Conception, development of fetus and birth
d. Sexually transmitted disease (VD/AIDS) (emphasize the Islamic aspect)
e. Mental, emotional and social aspects of puberty
f Social, moral and religious ethics
g. How to avoid peer pressure
SEX EDUCATION AFTER MARRIAGE
This essay is not intended to be a sex manual for married couples, although I may write such someday. I just wanted to remind the reader of a short verse in the Quran and then elaborate. The verse is, "They are your garments, and you are their garments" (2:187).
Husbands and wives are described as garments for each other. A garment is very close to our body, so they should be close to each other. A garment protects and shields our modesty, so they should do the same to each other. Garments are put on anytime we like, so should they be available to each other anytime. A garment adds to our beauty, so they should praise and beautify each other.
For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of love and one without the other is incomplete. One of your jobs is to educate your wife in matters of sex especially in your likes and dislikes and do not compare her to other women.
For wives I want to say that a man's sexual needs are different than a women's. Instead of being a passive recipient of sex, try to be an active partner. He is exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be available to please him and do not give him a reason to make a choice between you and hellfire.
SELECTED REFERENCES
Annual Report of Children's Defense Fund. Northside Topics. January,
1988.
"Children Having Children." Time Magazine. December 9, 1985.
Cuffan, J. Report of Center for Disease Control. Indianapolis Star; June
14, 1988.
Dracula of Hormones. Newsweek Magazine. November 25, 1985.
Elam, A. and V. G. Ray. "Sexually Related Trauma: A Review." Annals
of Emergency Medicine, May, 1986, vol. 15:5, pp. 576-584.
Gordon, S. and 1. R. Dickman. "Sex Education-My Parent's Role
Public Affairs Pamphlet No. 549. Published by Public Affairs
Committee, 3 81 Park Ave. South, New York, NY 100 1 6.
Hatcher, Adams J. "Solving Teenage Pregnancy." Medical Aspects of
Human Sexuality. March, 1980, pp. 10-23.
Marvin, S. "How Adults Could Have Helped Me." Parade Magazine,
(Supplement to Indianapolis Star) August 21, 1988, pp. 4-7.
Mast, C. K. "How to Say No to Sex." Medical Aspects of Human
Sexuality. September, 1988, pp. 26-32.
Mast, C. K. Sex Respect: The Option of True Sexual Freedom. Bradley, 11:
Respect Inc., 1986, p. 41.
Muslim, Bukhari. Collection of Hadith.
Nelson, C. A. A Cancer Journal For Clinicians. American Cancer
Society. November-December, 1984.
Report On Sex Education. Time Magazine. November. 24, 1986.
Report on Teens: Sex Attitude Survey by Eight National Evangelical
Churchs. Indianapolis Star. February 2, 1988.
Richard, D. "Teenage Pregnancy and Sex Education in the Schools: What
Works And What Does Not Work," San Antonio Pregnancy Center,
1986, p. 6.
Stroud. "Stop Pornographic Rock." Newsweek Magazine. May 6. 1985.
Time Magazine. February 4, 1985, p. 85.
"What's Gone Wrong With Teen Sex?" People Magazine. April 13, 1987.
Williams, R. H. "Effects of Melatonins in Humans." Textbook of
Endocrinology, 6th Ed., p. 628.
Zamichow, N. Teenage Sex. Ladies Home Journal; October 1986, pp.
138-205.
SHAHID ATHAR
If you tell kids about sex, they'll do it. If you tell them about VD, they'll go out and get it. Incredible as may seem, most oppositions to sex education in this country are based on the assumption that knowledge is harmful. But research in this area reveals that ignorance and unresolved curiosity, not knowledge, are harmful. Our failure to tell children what they want and need to know is one reason we have the highest rates of out-of-wedlock teens pregnancy and abortion of any highly developed country in the world."
"What Kids Need to Know,"
Psychology Today, October 1986. Dr. Sol Gordon,
Professor Emeritus, Syracuse University,
and an expert on sex education
"Say: Are they equal those who know, and those who do not know?" (39:9). "Blessed are the women of the Helpers. Their modesty did not stand in the way of their seeking knowledge about their religion" (Bukhari and Muslim).
INTRODUCTION
Although the Quran has placed so much emphasis on acquiring knowledge, and in the days of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) Muslim men and women were never too shy to ask him questions including those related to private affairs such as sexual life, for Muslim parents of today, sex is a dirty word. They feel uncomfortable in discussing sex education with their children, but do not mind the same being taught at their children's school by secular or non-Muslim teachers (of even the opposite sex), by their peers of either sex, and by the media and television. An average child is exposed to 9000 sexual scenes per year.
These parents should know that sex is not always a dirty word. It is an important aspect of our life. God Who cares for all the aspects of our life, and not just the way of worshipping Him, discusses reproduction, creation, family life, menstruation and even ejaculation in the Quran. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), who was sent to us as an example, discussed many aspects of sexual life including sexual positions with his Companions.
The main reason Muslim parents do not or cannot discuss sex education with their children is because of the their cultural upbringing, not their religious training. They are often brought up in a state of ignorance in regard to sex issues. As a result, they may not be comfortable with their own sexuality or its expression. They leave Islamic education to Islamic Sunday schools and sex education to American public schools and the media.
WHAT IS SEX EDUCATION AND WHO SHOULD GIVE IT?
Is sex education about knowing the anatomy and physiology of the human body or about the act of sex or about reproduction and family life or about prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy? Is giving sex ed equivalent to permission in engaging in sex? One sex educator at my son's school told the parents, "I am not planning to tell your children whether or not they should engage in sex or how to do it but in case they decide to do it, they should know how to prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STD), venereal diseases (VD), acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) and pregnancy."
The problem with this is that at the present time sex ed as taught in the public schools is incomplete. It does not cover morality associated with sex, sexual dysfunctions and deviations and the institution of marriage.
One of the basic questions is, "Do children need sex education?" Do you teach a baby duck how to swim or just put it in the water and let it swim? After all, for thousands of years men and women have been having sex without any formal education. In many traditional civilizations, sex education starts after marriage and with trial and error. Some couples learn it faster than others and do it better than others due to difference in sexual perception and expression of one partner. In my opinion having a dozen children is not necessarily proof of their love. An appropriate and healthy sex education is crucial to the fulfillment of a happy marriage.
With regard to the question who should teach sex ed, I believe everyone has to play his or her role. Parents have to assume a more responsible role. A father has a duty to be able to answer his son's questions and a mother has the same duty to her daughter. We can hardly influence the sex ed taught in public schools or by the media, but we can supplement that with an ethical and moral dimension adding family love and responsibility. Apart from these players, some role can be played by Sunday school teachers, the family physician, the pediatrician and the clergy. Within a family, the older sister has a duty towards the younger one and the elder brother has a duty towards younger ones.
Figure 1: Pregnancy Profile (reprinted with the permission of Time Magazine).
Figure 2: An American Dilemma (reprinted with the permission of Time Magazine).
SEX EDUCATION IN AMERICAN SCHOOLS
Sex education is given in every American school, public or private, from grades 2 to 12. The projected 1990 cost to the nation was $2 billion per year. Teachers are told to give technical aspects of sex ed without telling the students about moral values or how to make the right decisions. After describing the male and female anatomy and reproduction, the main emphasis is on the prevention of venereal diseases and teenage pregnancy. With the rise of AIDS, the focus is on 'Safe Sex' which means having condoms available each time you decide to have sex with someone you don't know. With the help of our tax dollars, about 76 schools in the country have started dispensing free condoms and contraceptives to those who go to school health clinics. Very soon there will be vending machines in school hallways where 'children' can get a condom each time they feel like having sex.
The role of parents is minimized by American sex educators and sometimes ridiculed. In one of the sex ed movies I was made to watch a film called, "Am I Normal?" as a parent at my son's school. Whenever the young boy asks his father a question about sex, the father, shown as a bum and a slob, shuns him and changes the topic. Finally the boy learns it from a stranger and then is shown going into a movie theater with his girlfriend.
Sex education as promoted by some Western educators is devoid of morality is in many ways unacceptable to our value system. The examples of the teachings of one such educator are:
a. Nudity in homes (in shower or bedroom) is a good and healthy way to introduce sexuality to smaller (under 5) children, giving them an opportunity to ask questions. At the same time, in the same book, he also states that 75% of all child molestation and incest (500,000 per year) occur by a close relative (parent, step-parent or another family member).
b. A child's playing with genitals of another child is a permissible 'naive exploration' and not a reason for scolding or punishment. He is also aware that boys as young as 12 have raped girls as young as 8. We don't know when this 'naive exploration' becomes a sex act.
c. Children caught reading dirty magazines should not be made to feel guilty, but parents should use it as a chance to get some useful points across to him or her about sexual attitudes, values and sex exploitation, Like charity, pornography should start at home!
d. If your daughter or son is already sexually active, instead of telling them to stop, the parent's moral duty is to protect their health and career by providing them information and means for contraception and avoiding VD. Maybe this its true for rebellious teens and their submissive parents!
Educators like the one referred to above do not believe that giving sexual information means giving the OK for sex. I just wonder as to why some folks after being told the shape, color, smell and taste of a new fruit, and pleasures derived from eating it, would not like to try it? These educators say that even if your child does not ask any questions about sex, parents should initiate the discussion using i.e. a neighbors pregnancy, a pet's behavior, advertisement, popular music or a TV show. I wonder why these educators are obsessed with loading children with sexual information whether they want it or not.
THE MORE THEY KNOW IT - THE MORE THEY DO IT
Sex education in American schools has not helped decrease the teenager incidence of VD or teenage pregnancy. This is because it has not changed their sex habits. According to Marion Wright Elderman, President of the Children' Defense Fund, in a recent report, out of every twenty teens, ten are sexually active but only four use conceptions, two get pregnant and one gives birth. In 1982, a John Hopkins study found one out of every five 15 year olds, and one in three 16 year olds are sexually active. The incidence increased to 43% in 17 year olds. The Louis Harris poll in 1986 found that 57% of the nations 17 year olds, 46% of 16 year olds, 29% 15 year old were sexually active. Now it is estimated that about 80% of girls entering college had sexual intercourse at least once. Going to church does not help either. 1438 teenagers, mostly white, attending conservative evangelical church were sent questions about their sex life. 26% of 16 year olds, 35% of 17 year olds, and 43% of 18 year olds said they had sexual intercourse at least once. 33% that responded also said sex outside of marriage was morally acceptable.
HAZARDS OF EARLY SEX
The health hazards of early sex includes sexual trauma, increase in incidence of cervical cancer, sexually transmitted disease and teenage pregnancy. We will take up each individually. A variety of injuries are possible and do happen when sex organs are not ready for sex in terms of full maturation. Some of these injuries have a long lasting effect. Cervical cancer has been thought to be related to sex at an early age and with multiple partners. Dr. Nelson and his associates in their article on epidemiology of cervical cancer call it a sexually transmitted disease,
TEENAGE PREGNANCY
About one million or more teenage girls become pregnant every year, at a rate of 3000 per day, 80% of whom are unmarried. Out of this I million, about 500,000, decide to keep their baby, and 450,000 are aborted (or ? murdered). 100,000 decide to deliver and give the baby up for adoption. In 1950 the incidence of birth from unmarried teenagers was only 13.9%, but in 1985 it increased to 59%. It is a myth that teenage pregnancy is a problem of the black and poor. To the contrary 2/3 teens getting pregnant now are white, suburban and above the poverty income level. The pregnancy rate (without marriage) in 54,000 enlisted Navy women is 40% as compared to 17% in the general population.
What is the life of those who have teenage pregnancy? Only 50% complete high school and more than 50% of them are on welfare. They themselves become child abusers and their children, when grown up, have 82% incidence of teenage pregnancy. 8.6 billion dollars are spent every year for the financial and health care support of teenage mothers., The sexual revolution of the 60's has affected another dimension of health care. In 1985 alone, 10 million cases of chlamydia, 2 million cases of gonorrhea, I million venereal warts, 0.5 million genital herpes and 90,000 syphilis were diagnosed. The plague of AIDS is adding a new twist to our fears. 200,000 cases have been diagnosed in the US alone, out of which 50% have already died. The disease is growing at a rate of one case every 14 minutes and so far there is no effective treatment. Father Bruce Ritter in New York, who operates shelters for runaway children, says the biggest threat to the nation's 1 million runaways is the threat of AIDS now.
WHY DO CHILDREN GET INVOLVED IN SEX?
There are many reasons why children get involved in sex. The most common is peer pressure. Their common response is "since everybody is doing it." One of the reasons is their desire for sexual competence with adults and a way to get ahead. Another common reason is their lack of self-esteem which they want to improve by becoming a father or mother. Sometimes it is due to a lack of other alternatives to divert their sexual energies. It could also be due to a lack of love and appreciation at home. Detachment from home can lead to attachment elsewhere. Sexual pressure on them is everywhere, at school from their peers, from the TV where about 20,000 sexual scenes are broadcasted in advertisement, soap operas, prime time shows and MTV. The hard core rock music nowadays fans the flames of sexual desires. Most parents do not know what kind of music their children are hearing. If they care and listen to rock songs like Eat Me Alive (Judas Priest), Purple Rain (Prince), Losing It (Madonna), The Last American Virgin, Papa Don't Preach, Private Dancer (Tina Turner), Material Girl (Madonna) and Cyndi Lauper's songs, they will know what they are talking about. The songs have pornographic words and sentences which made Kandy Stroud, a former rock fan, begged parents to stop their children from listening to what she calls 'Pornographic Rock'. This shows music does affect our sexual mood. It does so by activating melatonin, the hormone from the pineal gland in the brain which is turned on by darkness and turned off by flashing lights. It is the same gland which has been thought to trigger puberty and affects the reproductive cycle and sex mood.
WHAT IS THE TRUE ROLE OF PARENTS?
American educators are putting the blame for their failures (i.e. teenage pregnancy) on the parents. In fact in Wisconsin and many other states the grandparents of a baby born to a teenager are responsible for the financial support of the child. Remember parents are not needed if their teenage daughter needs contraceptives or abortion. Faced with such hypocrisy, the parents job is to instill in their teenagers mind what is not taught in sex ed classes, i.e. reason not to engage in sex, reason not to get pregnant, etc. At the same time, they should divert their energies to some productive activities like community work, sports, character growth, or Sunday schools. Another role of parents is to help their children make the right decisions.
In Islam anything which leads to wrong is also considered wrong. Therefore parents should control the music children are listening to or the TV program they are watching, the magazines they are reading, and the clothes (which may provoke desire in the opposite sex) they are wearing. While group social activity should be permitted with supervision, dating should not be allowed. When American teenagers start dating, sex is on their mind.
In fact during a recent survey, 25% of college freshman boys responded by saying that if they have paid for the food and the girl does not go all the way, they have a right to force her to have sex. Many of the rapes occur at the end of the date and are not reported. Anything which breaks down sexual inhibition and loss of self-control i.e. alcohol, drugs, parking, petting or just being together for two members of the opposite sex in a secluded place should not be allowed for Muslim teenagers. Kissing and petting is preparing the body for sex. The body can be brought to a point of no return.
In summary Muslim parents should teach their children that they are different from non-Muslims in their value system and way of life. Having a feeling and love in your heart for someone of the opposite sex is different and beyond control, while expression of the same through sex is entirely different and should be under control. Muslim children should be told that they don't drink alcohol, eat pork, take drugs, and they don't have to engage in pre-marital sex either.
ISLAMIC CONCEPT OF SEXUALITY
Islam recognizes the power of sexual need, but the subject is discussed in the Quran and the saying of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in a serious manner, in regard to marital and family life. Parents should familiarize themselves with this body of knowledge.
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
1. "When one of you have sex with your wife, it is a rewarded act of charity." The Companions were surprised and said, "But we do it purely out of our desire. How can it be counted as charity?" The Prophet replied, "If you had done it with a forbidden woman, it would have been counted as a sin, but if you do it in legitimacy, it is counted as charity."
2. "Let not one of you fall upon his wife like a beast falls. It is more appropriate to send a message before the act."
3. "Do not divulge the secrets of your sex life with your wife to another person nor describe her physical feature to anyone."
CONCEPT OF ADULTERY IN ISLAM
God says in the Quran, "Do not go near to adultery. Surely it is a shameful deed and evil, opening roads (to other evils)" (17:32). "Say, 'Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and reason"' (7:33). "Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity" (24:26). Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), has said in many place that adultery is one of the three major sins. However the most interesting story is that of a young man who went to the Prophet and asked for permission to fornicate because he could not control himself. The Prophet dealt with him with reasoning and asked him if he would approve of someone else having illegal sex with his mother, sister, daughter or wife. Each time the man said 'no'. Then the Prophet replied that the woman with whom you plan to have sex is also somebody's mother, sister, daughter or wife. The man understood and repented. The Prophet prayed for his forgiveness.
Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole of society. It is a violation of marital contract. 50% of all first time marriages in this country result in divorce in two years and the main reason for divorce is the adultery of one of the partners. Adultery, which includes both pre-marital and extra marital sex, is an epidemic in this society. Nobody seems to listen to the Bible which says frequently, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The Quranic approach is, "Do not approach adultery."
What does it mean that not only is illegal sex prohibited, but anything which leads to illegal sex is also illegal? These things include dating, free mixing of the sexes, provocative dress, nudity, obscenity and pornography. The dress code both for men and women is to protect them from temptation and desires by on lookers who may lose self-control and fall into sin. "Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity, and God is well acquainted with all they do. And say to the believing woman that they should lower their gaze, and guard their modesty" (24:30-3 1).
CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM
Islam recognizes the strong sexual urge and desire for reproduction. Thus Islam encourages marriage as a legal sexual means and as a shield from immorality (sex without commitment). In Islam the marriage of a man and woman is not just a financial and legal living arrangement, not even just for reproduction, but providing a total commitment to each other, a contract witnessed by God. Love and joy of companionship is a part of the commitment. A married couple assumes a new social status and responsibility for himself, his wife and his children and for the community. The Quran says, "Among His signs is that He created consorts for you from among yourself, so that you may find tranquillity with them, and (He) set love and compassion between you. Verily in this are signs for people who reflect" (30:21).
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
"Marriage is my tradition. He who rejects my tradition is not of me" (Bukhari, Muslim).
"Marriage is half of religion. The other half is being Godfearing" (Tabarani, Hakim).
In Islam there is no fixed rule as to the age of marriage. It is becoming fashionable for young Muslim men not to marry until they have completed their education, have a job, or reached age 26-30 or more. Similarly young Muslim girls say they want to marry after age 24. Why? When asked, they say, "I am not ready for it." Not ready for what? Don't they have normal sexual desire? If the answer is yes, then they have only one of the two choices a) marry or b) postpone sex (abstinence until they marry). The Quran says, "Let those who find not the where withal for marriage, to keep them selves chaste till God find them the means from His Grace" (24:33).
The Prophet said, "Those of you who own the means should marry, otherwise should keep fasting for it curbs desires" (Ibn Massoud). The Western reason for delaying marriage is different than ours. When I suggested this to one of my sexually active young female patients, she bluntly said, "I don't want to sleep with the same guy every night."
ROLE OF MUSLIM PARENTS AND MUSLIM ORGANIZATIONS
I am not proposing that all Muslim youth be married at age 16. But I must say that youth should accept the biological instinct and make decisions which will help to develop a more satisfied life devoted to having a career rather than spending time in chasing (or dreaming about) the opposite sex. Parents should help their sons and daughters in selection of their mate using Islamic practice as a criteria and not race, color or wealth. They should encourage them to know each other in a supervised setting. The community organization has several roles to play.
a) To provide a platform for boys and girls to see and know each other without any intimacy.
b) Offer premarital educational courses to boys and girls over 18 separately to prepare them for the role of father and husband and of mother and wife. The father has a special role, mentioned by Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), "One who is given by God, a child, he should give it a beautiful name, should give him or her education, and training and when he or she attains puberty, he should see to it that he or she is married. If the father does not arrange their marriage after puberty, and the boy or girl is involved in sin, the responsibility of that sin will lie with the father"
MARRIAGE OF MUSLIM GIRLS IN THE USA
Marriage of Muslim girls in this country is becoming a problem. I was not surprised to read the letter of a Muslim father in a national magazine. He complained that in spite of his doing his best in teaching Islam to his children, his college-going daughter announced that she is going to marry a non-Muslim boy whom she met in college.
As a social scientist I am more interested in the analysis of the events. To be more specific, why would a Muslim girl prefer a non-Muslim boy over a Muslim? The following reasons come to mind:
- She is opposed to and scared of arranged marriages. She should be told that not all arranged marriages are bad ones and that 50% of all love marriages end up in a divorce in this country. Arranged marriages can be successful if approved by both the boy and girl. That is, they need to be a party to the arrangement. I am myself opposed to the blind arranged marriage.
- Muslim boys are not available to her to make a choice. While parents have no objection or cannot do anything about non-Muslim boys with whom she talks or socializes at school or college for forty hours a week, she is not allowed to talk to a Muslim boy in the mosque or in a social gathering. If she does, they frown at her or even accuse her of having a loss character. As a Muslim boy put it, "If I grow up knowing only non-Muslim girls, why do my parents expect me to marry a Muslim one?"
- Some Muslim boys do not care for Muslim girls. On the pretext of missionary work after marriage, they get involved with non-Muslim girls because of their easy availability. Muslim parents who also live with an inferiority complex do not mind their son marrying an American girl of European background but they would object if he marries a Muslim girl of a different school of Islamic thought (Shiah/Sunni) or different tribe like Punjabi, Sunni, Pathan, Arab vs. non-Arab, Afro-American vs. immigrant, or different class, Syed vs. non-Syed. Both the parents and the body should be reminded that the criteria for choosing a spouse that was given by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was not wealth nor color but Islamic piety.
- She may have been told that early marriage, that is, age 18 or less, is taboo and that she should wait until the age of 23 or 25. According to statistics, 80% of American girls, while waiting to get settled in life and married, engage freely in sex with multiple boyfriends. However, this option is not available to Muslim girls. Every year nearly one million teenage girls in this country who think that they are not ready for marriage, get pregnant. By the age of 24 when a Muslim girl decides that she is ready for marriage, it may be too large for her. If she reviews the matrimonial ad section in Islamic magazines, she will quickly notice that the boys of the age group of 25 to 30 are looking for girls from 18 to 20 year age group. They may wrongfully assume that an older girl may not be a virgin.
- She may also carry a wrong notion not proven scientifically that marrying healthy cousins may cause congenital deformities in her offspring.
Thus, unless these issues are addressed, many Muslim girls in the US may end up marrying a non-Muslim or remain unmarried.
CURRICULUM FOR ISLAMIC SEX EDUCATION
Islamic sex ed should be taught at home starting at an early age. Before giving education about anatomy and physiology, the belief in the Creator should be well established. As Dostoevsky put it, "Without God, everything is possible," meaning that the lack of belief or awareness of God gives an OK for wrongdoing.
A father should teach his son and a mother should teach her daughter. In the absence of a willing parent, the next best choice should be a Muslim male teacher (preferably a physician) for boys and a Muslim female teacher (preferably a physician) for a girl at the Islamic Sunday school.
The curriculum should be tailored according to age of the child and classes be held separately. Only pertinent answers to a question should be given. By this I mean that if a five year old asks how he or she got into mommie's stomach, there is no need to describe the whole act of intercourse. Similarly it is not necessary to tell a fourteen year old how to put on condoms. This might be taught in premarital class just before his or her marriage. A curriculum for sex ed should Include:
a. Sexual growth and development
* Time table for puberty
* Physical changes during puberty
* Need for family life
b. Physiology of reproductive system
* For girls- the organ, menstruation, premenstrual syndrome
* For boys- the organ, the sex drive
c. Conception, development of fetus and birth
d. Sexually transmitted disease (VD/AIDS) (emphasize the Islamic aspect)
e. Mental, emotional and social aspects of puberty
f Social, moral and religious ethics
g. How to avoid peer pressure
SEX EDUCATION AFTER MARRIAGE
This essay is not intended to be a sex manual for married couples, although I may write such someday. I just wanted to remind the reader of a short verse in the Quran and then elaborate. The verse is, "They are your garments, and you are their garments" (2:187).
Husbands and wives are described as garments for each other. A garment is very close to our body, so they should be close to each other. A garment protects and shields our modesty, so they should do the same to each other. Garments are put on anytime we like, so should they be available to each other anytime. A garment adds to our beauty, so they should praise and beautify each other.
For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of love and one without the other is incomplete. One of your jobs is to educate your wife in matters of sex especially in your likes and dislikes and do not compare her to other women.
For wives I want to say that a man's sexual needs are different than a women's. Instead of being a passive recipient of sex, try to be an active partner. He is exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be available to please him and do not give him a reason to make a choice between you and hellfire.
SELECTED REFERENCES
Annual Report of Children's Defense Fund. Northside Topics. January,
1988.
"Children Having Children." Time Magazine. December 9, 1985.
Cuffan, J. Report of Center for Disease Control. Indianapolis Star; June
14, 1988.
Dracula of Hormones. Newsweek Magazine. November 25, 1985.
Elam, A. and V. G. Ray. "Sexually Related Trauma: A Review." Annals
of Emergency Medicine, May, 1986, vol. 15:5, pp. 576-584.
Gordon, S. and 1. R. Dickman. "Sex Education-My Parent's Role
Public Affairs Pamphlet No. 549. Published by Public Affairs
Committee, 3 81 Park Ave. South, New York, NY 100 1 6.
Hatcher, Adams J. "Solving Teenage Pregnancy." Medical Aspects of
Human Sexuality. March, 1980, pp. 10-23.
Marvin, S. "How Adults Could Have Helped Me." Parade Magazine,
(Supplement to Indianapolis Star) August 21, 1988, pp. 4-7.
Mast, C. K. "How to Say No to Sex." Medical Aspects of Human
Sexuality. September, 1988, pp. 26-32.
Mast, C. K. Sex Respect: The Option of True Sexual Freedom. Bradley, 11:
Respect Inc., 1986, p. 41.
Muslim, Bukhari. Collection of Hadith.
Nelson, C. A. A Cancer Journal For Clinicians. American Cancer
Society. November-December, 1984.
Report On Sex Education. Time Magazine. November. 24, 1986.
Report on Teens: Sex Attitude Survey by Eight National Evangelical
Churchs. Indianapolis Star. February 2, 1988.
Richard, D. "Teenage Pregnancy and Sex Education in the Schools: What
Works And What Does Not Work," San Antonio Pregnancy Center,
1986, p. 6.
Stroud. "Stop Pornographic Rock." Newsweek Magazine. May 6. 1985.
Time Magazine. February 4, 1985, p. 85.
"What's Gone Wrong With Teen Sex?" People Magazine. April 13, 1987.
Williams, R. H. "Effects of Melatonins in Humans." Textbook of
Endocrinology, 6th Ed., p. 628.
Zamichow, N. Teenage Sex. Ladies Home Journal; October 1986, pp.
138-205.
SOLO SEX (MALE AND FEMALE MASTURBATION
SOLO SEX (MALE AND FEMALE MASTURBATION)
Those who achieve insufficient satisfaction from sexual intercourse and return to masturbation, or never give it up, the torments are great. Everywhere they look, their friends are unashamedly enjoying the pleasures of normal sexual relationship. No part of society caters for them and they are even cowardly shy to campaign for "Masturbators Liberation." Sex life for most of them is fairly empty.
One of the most humiliating problems that the constant male masturbator suffers from when he attempts to have sexual relationship is premature ejaculation or the failure to maintain an erection. When he is masturbating, he tends to reach his orgasm as quickly as possible, but in sexual intercourse he normally has to attempt to control his excitement, which can impose a great strain on a person who indulged in self-abuse over a lengthy period.
Therefore people who continuously masturbate, lose out all round. The physical pleasure becomes reduced to a natural act like urination, or excreting, and at the back of their minds there is an awareness that they are missing on the real pleasures of life. No adult can honestly claim to masturbate without a guilty feeling of complete uselessness. Masturbation is merely an exhaustive, rather than constructive undertaking, resulting in nothing but total loss. Once orgasm has been achieved there is Nothing else left, except for a feeling of complete emptiness.
The following extracts from the writings of a dignified physician of the Unani medicine will give one some idea of the damage done through masturbation: "Most often, students, bachelors or widowers and hypocritical godly persons are its victims. It is such an evil practice that has ruined many families and many more are being ruined today. The lack of manly vigor and decline in the standard of young men's health is evidence enough for this horrible social evil, eating into the vitals of an otherwise healthy nation. If only our young men could foresee the consequences of this evil at their own hands bring on them! It can be said with some certainty that eighty percent of our young men are the victims of masturbation. This accursed practice affects equally the heart, the brain, the liver, the stomach, the kidneys along with the reproductive organs. This practice makes the muscles and the nerves of the reproductive organ sagging and lifeless. Accumulation of fluids in the veins makes it unfit for its normal function. There is extreme feebleness in the power of erection. The heat of the friction between the delicate muscles of the organ and the tough hide of the hand damages the former beyond repair." (Miftahi, Modesty and Chastity in Islam)
Following the excitement which accompanies masturbation, comes the feeling of shame, anger, humiliation, and the sense of futility. This sense of guilty and humiliation deepens as the years go on, into a suppressed rage, because of the impossibility to escape. The one thing that it seems impossible to escape from, once the habit is formed, is masturbation. It goes on and on, on into old age, in spite of marriage. And it always carries this secret feeling of futility and humiliation. And this is, perhaps, the deepest and most dangerous cancer of our civilization. Instead of being a comparatively harmless vice, masturbation is certainly the most dangerous sexual vice that a society can be afflicted with, in the long run.
MASTURBATION UNDER ISLAMIC LAW
Islam strictly forbids the waste of seminal fluid through masturbation. The one who discharges his seminal fluid with his hand is damned. This evil practice removes the normal bright look of a man's face, and he looks melancholy and dejected. He loses his health and quite frequently his vitality and sexual stamina through this disgusting practice.
The Qur'aan declares: "The Believers are those who abstain from sex except with those joined to them in marriage bond, or those whom their righht hand possess for (in their case) they are free from blame, but those who crave something beyond that are transgressors."
Beyond the wife and slave woman all ways and means of sexual satisfaction are unlawful. They include adultery, sodomy, masturbation, etc. From this it can be deduced that masturbation falls under the context 'but those who crave ...' and is therefore immoral and a sin in Islam. Views expressed by the Shafi'i jurists on this matter are clearly illustrated by Imam Nawawi whose opinion is typical of the Shafi'i Jurists as a whole. He declared that masturbation was absolutely forbidden. It was only permitted when it was performed by the hand of a man's wife or concubine, for he has a right to the enjoyment of her hand as he has to the rest of her body."
The author of Subul al Salam according to al-Juzairi, states: "Some of the Hanbali and Hanafi Jurists are of the opinion that masturbation may be permissible in the event that one fears (that is, not engaging in it) would lead to his committing adultery, fornication. But be cautious that such a view is weak and is not to be relied upon."
According to Maliki school of thought masturbation is deduced to be illegal from the following hadith narrated by 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ud (Radhiallaahu Anhu): "We were with the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) while we were young and had no wealth whatsoever. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) said: "O assembly of youths ; whoever among you possesses the physical and financial resources to marry, should do so, because it helps him guard his modesty, and whoever is unable to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.’
Therefore, the jurists of this school are of the opinion that if masturbation was permitted, the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) would have acknowledged its permissibility because this is much simpler than fasting. Since the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) did not mention it, demonstrates that it is prohibited.
From the evidence presented so far, it can be seen that Shari’ah not only classifies this type of unnatural waste of seminal fluid as illegal, but also advocated strict measures for its prevention.
Those who achieve insufficient satisfaction from sexual intercourse and return to masturbation, or never give it up, the torments are great. Everywhere they look, their friends are unashamedly enjoying the pleasures of normal sexual relationship. No part of society caters for them and they are even cowardly shy to campaign for "Masturbators Liberation." Sex life for most of them is fairly empty.
One of the most humiliating problems that the constant male masturbator suffers from when he attempts to have sexual relationship is premature ejaculation or the failure to maintain an erection. When he is masturbating, he tends to reach his orgasm as quickly as possible, but in sexual intercourse he normally has to attempt to control his excitement, which can impose a great strain on a person who indulged in self-abuse over a lengthy period.
Therefore people who continuously masturbate, lose out all round. The physical pleasure becomes reduced to a natural act like urination, or excreting, and at the back of their minds there is an awareness that they are missing on the real pleasures of life. No adult can honestly claim to masturbate without a guilty feeling of complete uselessness. Masturbation is merely an exhaustive, rather than constructive undertaking, resulting in nothing but total loss. Once orgasm has been achieved there is Nothing else left, except for a feeling of complete emptiness.
The following extracts from the writings of a dignified physician of the Unani medicine will give one some idea of the damage done through masturbation: "Most often, students, bachelors or widowers and hypocritical godly persons are its victims. It is such an evil practice that has ruined many families and many more are being ruined today. The lack of manly vigor and decline in the standard of young men's health is evidence enough for this horrible social evil, eating into the vitals of an otherwise healthy nation. If only our young men could foresee the consequences of this evil at their own hands bring on them! It can be said with some certainty that eighty percent of our young men are the victims of masturbation. This accursed practice affects equally the heart, the brain, the liver, the stomach, the kidneys along with the reproductive organs. This practice makes the muscles and the nerves of the reproductive organ sagging and lifeless. Accumulation of fluids in the veins makes it unfit for its normal function. There is extreme feebleness in the power of erection. The heat of the friction between the delicate muscles of the organ and the tough hide of the hand damages the former beyond repair." (Miftahi, Modesty and Chastity in Islam)
Following the excitement which accompanies masturbation, comes the feeling of shame, anger, humiliation, and the sense of futility. This sense of guilty and humiliation deepens as the years go on, into a suppressed rage, because of the impossibility to escape. The one thing that it seems impossible to escape from, once the habit is formed, is masturbation. It goes on and on, on into old age, in spite of marriage. And it always carries this secret feeling of futility and humiliation. And this is, perhaps, the deepest and most dangerous cancer of our civilization. Instead of being a comparatively harmless vice, masturbation is certainly the most dangerous sexual vice that a society can be afflicted with, in the long run.
MASTURBATION UNDER ISLAMIC LAW
Islam strictly forbids the waste of seminal fluid through masturbation. The one who discharges his seminal fluid with his hand is damned. This evil practice removes the normal bright look of a man's face, and he looks melancholy and dejected. He loses his health and quite frequently his vitality and sexual stamina through this disgusting practice.
The Qur'aan declares: "The Believers are those who abstain from sex except with those joined to them in marriage bond, or those whom their righht hand possess for (in their case) they are free from blame, but those who crave something beyond that are transgressors."
Beyond the wife and slave woman all ways and means of sexual satisfaction are unlawful. They include adultery, sodomy, masturbation, etc. From this it can be deduced that masturbation falls under the context 'but those who crave ...' and is therefore immoral and a sin in Islam. Views expressed by the Shafi'i jurists on this matter are clearly illustrated by Imam Nawawi whose opinion is typical of the Shafi'i Jurists as a whole. He declared that masturbation was absolutely forbidden. It was only permitted when it was performed by the hand of a man's wife or concubine, for he has a right to the enjoyment of her hand as he has to the rest of her body."
The author of Subul al Salam according to al-Juzairi, states: "Some of the Hanbali and Hanafi Jurists are of the opinion that masturbation may be permissible in the event that one fears (that is, not engaging in it) would lead to his committing adultery, fornication. But be cautious that such a view is weak and is not to be relied upon."
According to Maliki school of thought masturbation is deduced to be illegal from the following hadith narrated by 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ud (Radhiallaahu Anhu): "We were with the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) while we were young and had no wealth whatsoever. The Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) said: "O assembly of youths ; whoever among you possesses the physical and financial resources to marry, should do so, because it helps him guard his modesty, and whoever is unable to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.’
Therefore, the jurists of this school are of the opinion that if masturbation was permitted, the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) would have acknowledged its permissibility because this is much simpler than fasting. Since the Prophet (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) did not mention it, demonstrates that it is prohibited.
From the evidence presented so far, it can be seen that Shari’ah not only classifies this type of unnatural waste of seminal fluid as illegal, but also advocated strict measures for its prevention.
ANAL SEX
ANAL SEX
Just as sex is prohibited during menstruation, anal sex, even though with one’s own partner is strictly prohibited in the Shariah
This abominable deed has been denounced very emphatically by Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) in various Ahadith.
“The person that has anal sex with his, Allah (Rabbul-Izzat) will not look at him with mercy on the day of Qiyamah.” –Hadith
“The person that has anal sex with his wife is Mal’oon (accursed)”-ABU-DA’UD
Imam Ghazzali (Rahimahumullah) writes in IHYA that anal sex is even worse than sex during menstruation because this filthy act causes undue pain and difficulty to the woman.
Even the male could become victim to various diseases and illnesses, some of them fatal and extremely deadly. Today, medical research has discovered that the greatest risk factor of contracting AIDS-the killer disease of the century-is anal sex; with or without protection! May we be sacrificed upon Allah and his Rasul for protecting our lives and health by strictly prohibiting us from this inhuman act.
Just as sex is prohibited during menstruation, anal sex, even though with one’s own partner is strictly prohibited in the Shariah
This abominable deed has been denounced very emphatically by Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) in various Ahadith.
“The person that has anal sex with his, Allah (Rabbul-Izzat) will not look at him with mercy on the day of Qiyamah.” –Hadith
“The person that has anal sex with his wife is Mal’oon (accursed)”-ABU-DA’UD
Imam Ghazzali (Rahimahumullah) writes in IHYA that anal sex is even worse than sex during menstruation because this filthy act causes undue pain and difficulty to the woman.
Even the male could become victim to various diseases and illnesses, some of them fatal and extremely deadly. Today, medical research has discovered that the greatest risk factor of contracting AIDS-the killer disease of the century-is anal sex; with or without protection! May we be sacrificed upon Allah and his Rasul for protecting our lives and health by strictly prohibiting us from this inhuman act.
SEX EDUCATION, TEENAGE PREGNANCY, SEX IN ISLAM AND MARRIAGE
SEX EDUCATION, TEENAGE PREGNANCY, SEX IN ISLAM AND MARRIAGE
SHAHID ATHAR
If you tell kids about sex, they'll do it. If you tell them about VD, they'll go out and get it. Incredible as may seem, most oppositions to sex education in this country are based on the assumption that knowledge is harmful. But research in this area reveals that ignorance and unresolved curiosity, not knowledge, are harmful. Our failure to tell children what they want and need to know is one reason we have the highest rates of out-of-wedlock teens pregnancy and abortion of any highly developed country in the world."
"What Kids Need to Know,"
Psychology Today, October 1986. Dr. Sol Gordon,
Professor Emeritus, Syracuse University,
and an expert on sex education
"Say: Are they equal those who know, and those who do not know?" (39:9). "Blessed are the women of the Helpers. Their modesty did not stand in the way of their seeking knowledge about their religion" (Bukhari and Muslim).
INTRODUCTION
Although the Quran has placed so much emphasis on acquiring knowledge, and in the days of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) Muslim men and women were never too shy to ask him questions including those related to private affairs such as sexual life, for Muslim parents of today, sex is a dirty word. They feel uncomfortable in discussing sex education with their children, but do not mind the same being taught at their children's school by secular or non-Muslim teachers (of even the opposite sex), by their peers of either sex, and by the media and television. An average child is exposed to 9000 sexual scenes per year.
These parents should know that sex is not always a dirty word. It is an important aspect of our life. God Who cares for all the aspects of our life, and not just the way of worshipping Him, discusses reproduction, creation, family life, menstruation and even ejaculation in the Quran. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), who was sent to us as an example, discussed many aspects of sexual life including sexual positions with his Companions.
The main reason Muslim parents do not or cannot discuss sex education with their children is because of the their cultural upbringing, not their religious training. They are often brought up in a state of ignorance in regard to sex issues. As a result, they may not be comfortable with their own sexuality or its expression. They leave Islamic education to Islamic Sunday schools and sex education to American public schools and the media.
WHAT IS SEX EDUCATION AND WHO SHOULD GIVE IT?
Is sex education about knowing the anatomy and physiology of the human body or about the act of sex or about reproduction and family life or about prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy? Is giving sex ed equivalent to permission in engaging in sex? One sex educator at my son's school told the parents, "I am not planning to tell your children whether or not they should engage in sex or how to do it but in case they decide to do it, they should know how to prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STD), venereal diseases (VD), acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) and pregnancy."
The problem with this is that at the present time sex ed as taught in the public schools is incomplete. It does not cover morality associated with sex, sexual dysfunctions and deviations and the institution of marriage.
One of the basic questions is, "Do children need sex education?" Do you teach a baby duck how to swim or just put it in the water and let it swim? After all, for thousands of years men and women have been having sex without any formal education. In many traditional civilizations, sex education starts after marriage and with trial and error. Some couples learn it faster than others and do it better than others due to difference in sexual perception and expression of one partner. In my opinion having a dozen children is not necessarily proof of their love. An appropriate and healthy sex education is crucial to the fulfillment of a happy marriage.
With regard to the question who should teach sex ed, I believe everyone has to play his or her role. Parents have to assume a more responsible role. A father has a duty to be able to answer his son's questions and a mother has the same duty to her daughter. We can hardly influence the sex ed taught in public schools or by the media, but we can supplement that with an ethical and moral dimension adding family love and responsibility. Apart from these players, some role can be played by Sunday school teachers, the family physician, the pediatrician and the clergy. Within a family, the older sister has a duty towards the younger one and the elder brother has a duty towards younger ones.
Figure 1: Pregnancy Profile (reprinted with the permission of Time Magazine).
Figure 2: An American Dilemma (reprinted with the permission of Time Magazine).
SEX EDUCATION IN AMERICAN SCHOOLS
Sex education is given in every American school, public or private, from grades 2 to 12. The projected 1990 cost to the nation was $2 billion per year. Teachers are told to give technical aspects of sex ed without telling the students about moral values or how to make the right decisions. After describing the male and female anatomy and reproduction, the main emphasis is on the prevention of venereal diseases and teenage pregnancy. With the rise of AIDS, the focus is on 'Safe Sex' which means having condoms available each time you decide to have sex with someone you don't know. With the help of our tax dollars, about 76 schools in the country have started dispensing free condoms and contraceptives to those who go to school health clinics. Very soon there will be vending machines in school hallways where 'children' can get a condom each time they feel like having sex.
The role of parents is minimized by American sex educators and sometimes ridiculed. In one of the sex ed movies I was made to watch a film called, "Am I Normal?" as a parent at my son's school. Whenever the young boy asks his father a question about sex, the father, shown as a bum and a slob, shuns him and changes the topic. Finally the boy learns it from a stranger and then is shown going into a movie theater with his girlfriend.
Sex education as promoted by some Western educators is devoid of morality is in many ways unacceptable to our value system. The examples of the teachings of one such educator are:
a. Nudity in homes (in shower or bedroom) is a good and healthy way to introduce sexuality to smaller (under 5) children, giving them an opportunity to ask questions. At the same time, in the same book, he also states that 75% of all child molestation and incest (500,000 per year) occur by a close relative (parent, step-parent or another family member).
b. A child's playing with genitals of another child is a permissible 'naive exploration' and not a reason for scolding or punishment. He is also aware that boys as young as 12 have raped girls as young as 8. We don't know when this 'naive exploration' becomes a sex act.
c. Children caught reading dirty magazines should not be made to feel guilty, but parents should use it as a chance to get some useful points across to him or her about sexual attitudes, values and sex exploitation, Like charity, pornography should start at home!
d. If your daughter or son is already sexually active, instead of telling them to stop, the parent's moral duty is to protect their health and career by providing them information and means for contraception and avoiding VD. Maybe this its true for rebellious teens and their submissive parents!
Educators like the one referred to above do not believe that giving sexual information means giving the OK for sex. I just wonder as to why some folks after being told the shape, color, smell and taste of a new fruit, and pleasures derived from eating it, would not like to try it? These educators say that even if your child does not ask any questions about sex, parents should initiate the discussion using i.e. a neighbors pregnancy, a pet's behavior, advertisement, popular music or a TV show. I wonder why these educators are obsessed with loading children with sexual information whether they want it or not.
THE MORE THEY KNOW IT - THE MORE THEY DO IT
Sex education in American schools has not helped decrease the teenager incidence of VD or teenage pregnancy. This is because it has not changed their sex habits. According to Marion Wright Elderman, President of the Children' Defense Fund, in a recent report, out of every twenty teens, ten are sexually active but only four use conceptions, two get pregnant and one gives birth. In 1982, a John Hopkins study found one out of every five 15 year olds, and one in three 16 year olds are sexually active. The incidence increased to 43% in 17 year olds. The Louis Harris poll in 1986 found that 57% of the nations 17 year olds, 46% of 16 year olds, 29% 15 year old were sexually active. Now it is estimated that about 80% of girls entering college had sexual intercourse at least once. Going to church does not help either. 1438 teenagers, mostly white, attending conservative evangelical church were sent questions about their sex life. 26% of 16 year olds, 35% of 17 year olds, and 43% of 18 year olds said they had sexual intercourse at least once. 33% that responded also said sex outside of marriage was morally acceptable.
HAZARDS OF EARLY SEX
The health hazards of early sex includes sexual trauma, increase in incidence of cervical cancer, sexually transmitted disease and teenage pregnancy. We will take up each individually. A variety of injuries are possible and do happen when sex organs are not ready for sex in terms of full maturation. Some of these injuries have a long lasting effect. Cervical cancer has been thought to be related to sex at an early age and with multiple partners. Dr. Nelson and his associates in their article on epidemiology of cervical cancer call it a sexually transmitted disease,
TEENAGE PREGNANCY
About one million or more teenage girls become pregnant every year, at a rate of 3000 per day, 80% of whom are unmarried. Out of this I million, about 500,000, decide to keep their baby, and 450,000 are aborted (or ? murdered). 100,000 decide to deliver and give the baby up for adoption. In 1950 the incidence of birth from unmarried teenagers was only 13.9%, but in 1985 it increased to 59%. It is a myth that teenage pregnancy is a problem of the black and poor. To the contrary 2/3 teens getting pregnant now are white, suburban and above the poverty income level. The pregnancy rate (without marriage) in 54,000 enlisted Navy women is 40% as compared to 17% in the general population.
What is the life of those who have teenage pregnancy? Only 50% complete high school and more than 50% of them are on welfare. They themselves become child abusers and their children, when grown up, have 82% incidence of teenage pregnancy. 8.6 billion dollars are spent every year for the financial and health care support of teenage mothers., The sexual revolution of the 60's has affected another dimension of health care. In 1985 alone, 10 million cases of chlamydia, 2 million cases of gonorrhea, I million venereal warts, 0.5 million genital herpes and 90,000 syphilis were diagnosed. The plague of AIDS is adding a new twist to our fears. 200,000 cases have been diagnosed in the US alone, out of which 50% have already died. The disease is growing at a rate of one case every 14 minutes and so far there is no effective treatment. Father Bruce Ritter in New York, who operates shelters for runaway children, says the biggest threat to the nation's 1 million runaways is the threat of AIDS now.
WHY DO CHILDREN GET INVOLVED IN SEX?
There are many reasons why children get involved in sex. The most common is peer pressure. Their common response is "since everybody is doing it." One of the reasons is their desire for sexual competence with adults and a way to get ahead. Another common reason is their lack of self-esteem which they want to improve by becoming a father or mother. Sometimes it is due to a lack of other alternatives to divert their sexual energies. It could also be due to a lack of love and appreciation at home. Detachment from home can lead to attachment elsewhere. Sexual pressure on them is everywhere, at school from their peers, from the TV where about 20,000 sexual scenes are broadcasted in advertisement, soap operas, prime time shows and MTV. The hard core rock music nowadays fans the flames of sexual desires. Most parents do not know what kind of music their children are hearing. If they care and listen to rock songs like Eat Me Alive (Judas Priest), Purple Rain (Prince), Losing It (Madonna), The Last American Virgin, Papa Don't Preach, Private Dancer (Tina Turner), Material Girl (Madonna) and Cyndi Lauper's songs, they will know what they are talking about. The songs have pornographic words and sentences which made Kandy Stroud, a former rock fan, begged parents to stop their children from listening to what she calls 'Pornographic Rock'. This shows music does affect our sexual mood. It does so by activating melatonin, the hormone from the pineal gland in the brain which is turned on by darkness and turned off by flashing lights. It is the same gland which has been thought to trigger puberty and affects the reproductive cycle and sex mood.
WHAT IS THE TRUE ROLE OF PARENTS?
American educators are putting the blame for their failures (i.e. teenage pregnancy) on the parents. In fact in Wisconsin and many other states the grandparents of a baby born to a teenager are responsible for the financial support of the child. Remember parents are not needed if their teenage daughter needs contraceptives or abortion. Faced with such hypocrisy, the parents job is to instill in their teenagers mind what is not taught in sex ed classes, i.e. reason not to engage in sex, reason not to get pregnant, etc. At the same time, they should divert their energies to some productive activities like community work, sports, character growth, or Sunday schools. Another role of parents is to help their children make the right decisions.
In Islam anything which leads to wrong is also considered wrong. Therefore parents should control the music children are listening to or the TV program they are watching, the magazines they are reading, and the clothes (which may provoke desire in the opposite sex) they are wearing. While group social activity should be permitted with supervision, dating should not be allowed. When American teenagers start dating, sex is on their mind.
In fact during a recent survey, 25% of college freshman boys responded by saying that if they have paid for the food and the girl does not go all the way, they have a right to force her to have sex. Many of the rapes occur at the end of the date and are not reported. Anything which breaks down sexual inhibition and loss of self-control i.e. alcohol, drugs, parking, petting or just being together for two members of the opposite sex in a secluded place should not be allowed for Muslim teenagers. Kissing and petting is preparing the body for sex. The body can be brought to a point of no return.
In summary Muslim parents should teach their children that they are different from non-Muslims in their value system and way of life. Having a feeling and love in your heart for someone of the opposite sex is different and beyond control, while expression of the same through sex is entirely different and should be under control. Muslim children should be told that they don't drink alcohol, eat pork, take drugs, and they don't have to engage in pre-marital sex either.
ISLAMIC CONCEPT OF SEXUALITY
Islam recognizes the power of sexual need, but the subject is discussed in the Quran and the saying of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in a serious manner, in regard to marital and family life. Parents should familiarize themselves with this body of knowledge.
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
1. "When one of you have sex with your wife, it is a rewarded act of charity." The Companions were surprised and said, "But we do it purely out of our desire. How can it be counted as charity?" The Prophet replied, "If you had done it with a forbidden woman, it would have been counted as a sin, but if you do it in legitimacy, it is counted as charity."
2. "Let not one of you fall upon his wife like a beast falls. It is more appropriate to send a message before the act."
3. "Do not divulge the secrets of your sex life with your wife to another person nor describe her physical feature to anyone."
CONCEPT OF ADULTERY IN ISLAM
God says in the Quran, "Do not go near to adultery. Surely it is a shameful deed and evil, opening roads (to other evils)" (17:32). "Say, 'Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and reason"' (7:33). "Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity" (24:26). Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), has said in many place that adultery is one of the three major sins. However the most interesting story is that of a young man who went to the Prophet and asked for permission to fornicate because he could not control himself. The Prophet dealt with him with reasoning and asked him if he would approve of someone else having illegal sex with his mother, sister, daughter or wife. Each time the man said 'no'. Then the Prophet replied that the woman with whom you plan to have sex is also somebody's mother, sister, daughter or wife. The man understood and repented. The Prophet prayed for his forgiveness.
Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole of society. It is a violation of marital contract. 50% of all first time marriages in this country result in divorce in two years and the main reason for divorce is the adultery of one of the partners. Adultery, which includes both pre-marital and extra marital sex, is an epidemic in this society. Nobody seems to listen to the Bible which says frequently, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The Quranic approach is, "Do not approach adultery."
What does it mean that not only is illegal sex prohibited, but anything which leads to illegal sex is also illegal? These things include dating, free mixing of the sexes, provocative dress, nudity, obscenity and pornography. The dress code both for men and women is to protect them from temptation and desires by on lookers who may lose self-control and fall into sin. "Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity, and God is well acquainted with all they do. And say to the believing woman that they should lower their gaze, and guard their modesty" (24:30-3 1).
CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM
Islam recognizes the strong sexual urge and desire for reproduction. Thus Islam encourages marriage as a legal sexual means and as a shield from immorality (sex without commitment). In Islam the marriage of a man and woman is not just a financial and legal living arrangement, not even just for reproduction, but providing a total commitment to each other, a contract witnessed by God. Love and joy of companionship is a part of the commitment. A married couple assumes a new social status and responsibility for himself, his wife and his children and for the community. The Quran says, "Among His signs is that He created consorts for you from among yourself, so that you may find tranquillity with them, and (He) set love and compassion between you. Verily in this are signs for people who reflect" (30:21).
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
"Marriage is my tradition. He who rejects my tradition is not of me" (Bukhari, Muslim).
"Marriage is half of religion. The other half is being Godfearing" (Tabarani, Hakim).
In Islam there is no fixed rule as to the age of marriage. It is becoming fashionable for young Muslim men not to marry until they have completed their education, have a job, or reached age 26-30 or more. Similarly young Muslim girls say they want to marry after age 24. Why? When asked, they say, "I am not ready for it." Not ready for what? Don't they have normal sexual desire? If the answer is yes, then they have only one of the two choices a) marry or b) postpone sex (abstinence until they marry). The Quran says, "Let those who find not the where withal for marriage, to keep them selves chaste till God find them the means from His Grace" (24:33).
The Prophet said, "Those of you who own the means should marry, otherwise should keep fasting for it curbs desires" (Ibn Massoud). The Western reason for delaying marriage is different than ours. When I suggested this to one of my sexually active young female patients, she bluntly said, "I don't want to sleep with the same guy every night."
ROLE OF MUSLIM PARENTS AND MUSLIM ORGANIZATIONS
I am not proposing that all Muslim youth be married at age 16. But I must say that youth should accept the biological instinct and make decisions which will help to develop a more satisfied life devoted to having a career rather than spending time in chasing (or dreaming about) the opposite sex. Parents should help their sons and daughters in selection of their mate using Islamic practice as a criteria and not race, color or wealth. They should encourage them to know each other in a supervised setting. The community organization has several roles to play.
a) To provide a platform for boys and girls to see and know each other without any intimacy.
b) Offer premarital educational courses to boys and girls over 18 separately to prepare them for the role of father and husband and of mother and wife. The father has a special role, mentioned by Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), "One who is given by God, a child, he should give it a beautiful name, should give him or her education, and training and when he or she attains puberty, he should see to it that he or she is married. If the father does not arrange their marriage after puberty, and the boy or girl is involved in sin, the responsibility of that sin will lie with the father"
MARRIAGE OF MUSLIM GIRLS IN THE USA
Marriage of Muslim girls in this country is becoming a problem. I was not surprised to read the letter of a Muslim father in a national magazine. He complained that in spite of his doing his best in teaching Islam to his children, his college-going daughter announced that she is going to marry a non-Muslim boy whom she met in college.
As a social scientist I am more interested in the analysis of the events. To be more specific, why would a Muslim girl prefer a non-Muslim boy over a Muslim? The following reasons come to mind:
- She is opposed to and scared of arranged marriages. She should be told that not all arranged marriages are bad ones and that 50% of all love marriages end up in a divorce in this country. Arranged marriages can be successful if approved by both the boy and girl. That is, they need to be a party to the arrangement. I am myself opposed to the blind arranged marriage.
- Muslim boys are not available to her to make a choice. While parents have no objection or cannot do anything about non-Muslim boys with whom she talks or socializes at school or college for forty hours a week, she is not allowed to talk to a Muslim boy in the mosque or in a social gathering. If she does, they frown at her or even accuse her of having a loss character. As a Muslim boy put it, "If I grow up knowing only non-Muslim girls, why do my parents expect me to marry a Muslim one?"
- Some Muslim boys do not care for Muslim girls. On the pretext of missionary work after marriage, they get involved with non-Muslim girls because of their easy availability. Muslim parents who also live with an inferiority complex do not mind their son marrying an American girl of European background but they would object if he marries a Muslim girl of a different school of Islamic thought (Shiah/Sunni) or different tribe like Punjabi, Sunni, Pathan, Arab vs. non-Arab, Afro-American vs. immigrant, or different class, Syed vs. non-Syed. Both the parents and the body should be reminded that the criteria for choosing a spouse that was given by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was not wealth nor color but Islamic piety.
- She may have been told that early marriage, that is, age 18 or less, is taboo and that she should wait until the age of 23 or 25. According to statistics, 80% of American girls, while waiting to get settled in life and married, engage freely in sex with multiple boyfriends. However, this option is not available to Muslim girls. Every year nearly one million teenage girls in this country who think that they are not ready for marriage, get pregnant. By the age of 24 when a Muslim girl decides that she is ready for marriage, it may be too large for her. If she reviews the matrimonial ad section in Islamic magazines, she will quickly notice that the boys of the age group of 25 to 30 are looking for girls from 18 to 20 year age group. They may wrongfully assume that an older girl may not be a virgin.
- She may also carry a wrong notion not proven scientifically that marrying healthy cousins may cause congenital deformities in her offspring.
Thus, unless these issues are addressed, many Muslim girls in the US may end up marrying a non-Muslim or remain unmarried.
CURRICULUM FOR ISLAMIC SEX EDUCATION
Islamic sex ed should be taught at home starting at an early age. Before giving education about anatomy and physiology, the belief in the Creator should be well established. As Dostoevsky put it, "Without God, everything is possible," meaning that the lack of belief or awareness of God gives an OK for wrongdoing.
A father should teach his son and a mother should teach her daughter. In the absence of a willing parent, the next best choice should be a Muslim male teacher (preferably a physician) for boys and a Muslim female teacher (preferably a physician) for a girl at the Islamic Sunday school.
The curriculum should be tailored according to age of the child and classes be held separately. Only pertinent answers to a question should be given. By this I mean that if a five year old asks how he or she got into mommie's stomach, there is no need to describe the whole act of intercourse. Similarly it is not necessary to tell a fourteen year old how to put on condoms. This might be taught in premarital class just before his or her marriage. A curriculum for sex ed should Include:
a. Sexual growth and development
* Time table for puberty
* Physical changes during puberty
* Need for family life
b. Physiology of reproductive system
* For girls- the organ, menstruation, premenstrual syndrome
* For boys- the organ, the sex drive
c. Conception, development of fetus and birth
d. Sexually transmitted disease (VD/AIDS) (emphasize the Islamic aspect)
e. Mental, emotional and social aspects of puberty
f Social, moral and religious ethics
g. How to avoid peer pressure
SEX EDUCATION AFTER MARRIAGE
This essay is not intended to be a sex manual for married couples, although I may write such someday. I just wanted to remind the reader of a short verse in the Quran and then elaborate. The verse is, "They are your garments, and you are their garments" (2:187).
Husbands and wives are described as garments for each other. A garment is very close to our body, so they should be close to each other. A garment protects and shields our modesty, so they should do the same to each other. Garments are put on anytime we like, so should they be available to each other anytime. A garment adds to our beauty, so they should praise and beautify each other.
For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of love and one without the other is incomplete. One of your jobs is to educate your wife in matters of sex especially in your likes and dislikes and do not compare her to other women.
For wives I want to say that a man's sexual needs are different than a women's. Instead of being a passive recipient of sex, try to be an active partner. He is exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be available to please him and do not give him a reason to make a choice between you and hellfire.
SELECTED REFERENCES
Annual Report of Children's Defense Fund. Northside Topics. January,
1988.
"Children Having Children." Time Magazine. December 9, 1985.
Cuffan, J. Report of Center for Disease Control. Indianapolis Star; June
14, 1988.
Dracula of Hormones. Newsweek Magazine. November 25, 1985.
Elam, A. and V. G. Ray. "Sexually Related Trauma: A Review." Annals
of Emergency Medicine, May, 1986, vol. 15:5, pp. 576-584.
Gordon, S. and 1. R. Dickman. "Sex Education-My Parent's Role
Public Affairs Pamphlet No. 549. Published by Public Affairs
Committee, 3 81 Park Ave. South, New York, NY 100 1 6.
Hatcher, Adams J. "Solving Teenage Pregnancy." Medical Aspects of
Human Sexuality. March, 1980, pp. 10-23.
Marvin, S. "How Adults Could Have Helped Me." Parade Magazine,
(Supplement to Indianapolis Star) August 21, 1988, pp. 4-7.
Mast, C. K. "How to Say No to Sex." Medical Aspects of Human
Sexuality. September, 1988, pp. 26-32.
Mast, C. K. Sex Respect: The Option of True Sexual Freedom. Bradley, 11:
Respect Inc., 1986, p. 41.
Muslim, Bukhari. Collection of Hadith.
Nelson, C. A. A Cancer Journal For Clinicians. American Cancer
Society. November-December, 1984.
Report On Sex Education. Time Magazine. November. 24, 1986.
Report on Teens: Sex Attitude Survey by Eight National Evangelical
Churchs. Indianapolis Star. February 2, 1988.
Richard, D. "Teenage Pregnancy and Sex Education in the Schools: What
Works And What Does Not Work," San Antonio Pregnancy Center,
1986, p. 6.
Stroud. "Stop Pornographic Rock." Newsweek Magazine. May 6. 1985.
Time Magazine. February 4, 1985, p. 85.
"What's Gone Wrong With Teen Sex?" People Magazine. April 13, 1987.
Williams, R. H. "Effects of Melatonins in Humans." Textbook of
Endocrinology, 6th Ed., p. 628.
Zamichow, N. Teenage Sex. Ladies Home Journal; October 1986, pp.
138-205.
SHAHID ATHAR
If you tell kids about sex, they'll do it. If you tell them about VD, they'll go out and get it. Incredible as may seem, most oppositions to sex education in this country are based on the assumption that knowledge is harmful. But research in this area reveals that ignorance and unresolved curiosity, not knowledge, are harmful. Our failure to tell children what they want and need to know is one reason we have the highest rates of out-of-wedlock teens pregnancy and abortion of any highly developed country in the world."
"What Kids Need to Know,"
Psychology Today, October 1986. Dr. Sol Gordon,
Professor Emeritus, Syracuse University,
and an expert on sex education
"Say: Are they equal those who know, and those who do not know?" (39:9). "Blessed are the women of the Helpers. Their modesty did not stand in the way of their seeking knowledge about their religion" (Bukhari and Muslim).
INTRODUCTION
Although the Quran has placed so much emphasis on acquiring knowledge, and in the days of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) Muslim men and women were never too shy to ask him questions including those related to private affairs such as sexual life, for Muslim parents of today, sex is a dirty word. They feel uncomfortable in discussing sex education with their children, but do not mind the same being taught at their children's school by secular or non-Muslim teachers (of even the opposite sex), by their peers of either sex, and by the media and television. An average child is exposed to 9000 sexual scenes per year.
These parents should know that sex is not always a dirty word. It is an important aspect of our life. God Who cares for all the aspects of our life, and not just the way of worshipping Him, discusses reproduction, creation, family life, menstruation and even ejaculation in the Quran. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), who was sent to us as an example, discussed many aspects of sexual life including sexual positions with his Companions.
The main reason Muslim parents do not or cannot discuss sex education with their children is because of the their cultural upbringing, not their religious training. They are often brought up in a state of ignorance in regard to sex issues. As a result, they may not be comfortable with their own sexuality or its expression. They leave Islamic education to Islamic Sunday schools and sex education to American public schools and the media.
WHAT IS SEX EDUCATION AND WHO SHOULD GIVE IT?
Is sex education about knowing the anatomy and physiology of the human body or about the act of sex or about reproduction and family life or about prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy? Is giving sex ed equivalent to permission in engaging in sex? One sex educator at my son's school told the parents, "I am not planning to tell your children whether or not they should engage in sex or how to do it but in case they decide to do it, they should know how to prevent sexually transmitted diseases (STD), venereal diseases (VD), acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS) and pregnancy."
The problem with this is that at the present time sex ed as taught in the public schools is incomplete. It does not cover morality associated with sex, sexual dysfunctions and deviations and the institution of marriage.
One of the basic questions is, "Do children need sex education?" Do you teach a baby duck how to swim or just put it in the water and let it swim? After all, for thousands of years men and women have been having sex without any formal education. In many traditional civilizations, sex education starts after marriage and with trial and error. Some couples learn it faster than others and do it better than others due to difference in sexual perception and expression of one partner. In my opinion having a dozen children is not necessarily proof of their love. An appropriate and healthy sex education is crucial to the fulfillment of a happy marriage.
With regard to the question who should teach sex ed, I believe everyone has to play his or her role. Parents have to assume a more responsible role. A father has a duty to be able to answer his son's questions and a mother has the same duty to her daughter. We can hardly influence the sex ed taught in public schools or by the media, but we can supplement that with an ethical and moral dimension adding family love and responsibility. Apart from these players, some role can be played by Sunday school teachers, the family physician, the pediatrician and the clergy. Within a family, the older sister has a duty towards the younger one and the elder brother has a duty towards younger ones.
Figure 1: Pregnancy Profile (reprinted with the permission of Time Magazine).
Figure 2: An American Dilemma (reprinted with the permission of Time Magazine).
SEX EDUCATION IN AMERICAN SCHOOLS
Sex education is given in every American school, public or private, from grades 2 to 12. The projected 1990 cost to the nation was $2 billion per year. Teachers are told to give technical aspects of sex ed without telling the students about moral values or how to make the right decisions. After describing the male and female anatomy and reproduction, the main emphasis is on the prevention of venereal diseases and teenage pregnancy. With the rise of AIDS, the focus is on 'Safe Sex' which means having condoms available each time you decide to have sex with someone you don't know. With the help of our tax dollars, about 76 schools in the country have started dispensing free condoms and contraceptives to those who go to school health clinics. Very soon there will be vending machines in school hallways where 'children' can get a condom each time they feel like having sex.
The role of parents is minimized by American sex educators and sometimes ridiculed. In one of the sex ed movies I was made to watch a film called, "Am I Normal?" as a parent at my son's school. Whenever the young boy asks his father a question about sex, the father, shown as a bum and a slob, shuns him and changes the topic. Finally the boy learns it from a stranger and then is shown going into a movie theater with his girlfriend.
Sex education as promoted by some Western educators is devoid of morality is in many ways unacceptable to our value system. The examples of the teachings of one such educator are:
a. Nudity in homes (in shower or bedroom) is a good and healthy way to introduce sexuality to smaller (under 5) children, giving them an opportunity to ask questions. At the same time, in the same book, he also states that 75% of all child molestation and incest (500,000 per year) occur by a close relative (parent, step-parent or another family member).
b. A child's playing with genitals of another child is a permissible 'naive exploration' and not a reason for scolding or punishment. He is also aware that boys as young as 12 have raped girls as young as 8. We don't know when this 'naive exploration' becomes a sex act.
c. Children caught reading dirty magazines should not be made to feel guilty, but parents should use it as a chance to get some useful points across to him or her about sexual attitudes, values and sex exploitation, Like charity, pornography should start at home!
d. If your daughter or son is already sexually active, instead of telling them to stop, the parent's moral duty is to protect their health and career by providing them information and means for contraception and avoiding VD. Maybe this its true for rebellious teens and their submissive parents!
Educators like the one referred to above do not believe that giving sexual information means giving the OK for sex. I just wonder as to why some folks after being told the shape, color, smell and taste of a new fruit, and pleasures derived from eating it, would not like to try it? These educators say that even if your child does not ask any questions about sex, parents should initiate the discussion using i.e. a neighbors pregnancy, a pet's behavior, advertisement, popular music or a TV show. I wonder why these educators are obsessed with loading children with sexual information whether they want it or not.
THE MORE THEY KNOW IT - THE MORE THEY DO IT
Sex education in American schools has not helped decrease the teenager incidence of VD or teenage pregnancy. This is because it has not changed their sex habits. According to Marion Wright Elderman, President of the Children' Defense Fund, in a recent report, out of every twenty teens, ten are sexually active but only four use conceptions, two get pregnant and one gives birth. In 1982, a John Hopkins study found one out of every five 15 year olds, and one in three 16 year olds are sexually active. The incidence increased to 43% in 17 year olds. The Louis Harris poll in 1986 found that 57% of the nations 17 year olds, 46% of 16 year olds, 29% 15 year old were sexually active. Now it is estimated that about 80% of girls entering college had sexual intercourse at least once. Going to church does not help either. 1438 teenagers, mostly white, attending conservative evangelical church were sent questions about their sex life. 26% of 16 year olds, 35% of 17 year olds, and 43% of 18 year olds said they had sexual intercourse at least once. 33% that responded also said sex outside of marriage was morally acceptable.
HAZARDS OF EARLY SEX
The health hazards of early sex includes sexual trauma, increase in incidence of cervical cancer, sexually transmitted disease and teenage pregnancy. We will take up each individually. A variety of injuries are possible and do happen when sex organs are not ready for sex in terms of full maturation. Some of these injuries have a long lasting effect. Cervical cancer has been thought to be related to sex at an early age and with multiple partners. Dr. Nelson and his associates in their article on epidemiology of cervical cancer call it a sexually transmitted disease,
TEENAGE PREGNANCY
About one million or more teenage girls become pregnant every year, at a rate of 3000 per day, 80% of whom are unmarried. Out of this I million, about 500,000, decide to keep their baby, and 450,000 are aborted (or ? murdered). 100,000 decide to deliver and give the baby up for adoption. In 1950 the incidence of birth from unmarried teenagers was only 13.9%, but in 1985 it increased to 59%. It is a myth that teenage pregnancy is a problem of the black and poor. To the contrary 2/3 teens getting pregnant now are white, suburban and above the poverty income level. The pregnancy rate (without marriage) in 54,000 enlisted Navy women is 40% as compared to 17% in the general population.
What is the life of those who have teenage pregnancy? Only 50% complete high school and more than 50% of them are on welfare. They themselves become child abusers and their children, when grown up, have 82% incidence of teenage pregnancy. 8.6 billion dollars are spent every year for the financial and health care support of teenage mothers., The sexual revolution of the 60's has affected another dimension of health care. In 1985 alone, 10 million cases of chlamydia, 2 million cases of gonorrhea, I million venereal warts, 0.5 million genital herpes and 90,000 syphilis were diagnosed. The plague of AIDS is adding a new twist to our fears. 200,000 cases have been diagnosed in the US alone, out of which 50% have already died. The disease is growing at a rate of one case every 14 minutes and so far there is no effective treatment. Father Bruce Ritter in New York, who operates shelters for runaway children, says the biggest threat to the nation's 1 million runaways is the threat of AIDS now.
WHY DO CHILDREN GET INVOLVED IN SEX?
There are many reasons why children get involved in sex. The most common is peer pressure. Their common response is "since everybody is doing it." One of the reasons is their desire for sexual competence with adults and a way to get ahead. Another common reason is their lack of self-esteem which they want to improve by becoming a father or mother. Sometimes it is due to a lack of other alternatives to divert their sexual energies. It could also be due to a lack of love and appreciation at home. Detachment from home can lead to attachment elsewhere. Sexual pressure on them is everywhere, at school from their peers, from the TV where about 20,000 sexual scenes are broadcasted in advertisement, soap operas, prime time shows and MTV. The hard core rock music nowadays fans the flames of sexual desires. Most parents do not know what kind of music their children are hearing. If they care and listen to rock songs like Eat Me Alive (Judas Priest), Purple Rain (Prince), Losing It (Madonna), The Last American Virgin, Papa Don't Preach, Private Dancer (Tina Turner), Material Girl (Madonna) and Cyndi Lauper's songs, they will know what they are talking about. The songs have pornographic words and sentences which made Kandy Stroud, a former rock fan, begged parents to stop their children from listening to what she calls 'Pornographic Rock'. This shows music does affect our sexual mood. It does so by activating melatonin, the hormone from the pineal gland in the brain which is turned on by darkness and turned off by flashing lights. It is the same gland which has been thought to trigger puberty and affects the reproductive cycle and sex mood.
WHAT IS THE TRUE ROLE OF PARENTS?
American educators are putting the blame for their failures (i.e. teenage pregnancy) on the parents. In fact in Wisconsin and many other states the grandparents of a baby born to a teenager are responsible for the financial support of the child. Remember parents are not needed if their teenage daughter needs contraceptives or abortion. Faced with such hypocrisy, the parents job is to instill in their teenagers mind what is not taught in sex ed classes, i.e. reason not to engage in sex, reason not to get pregnant, etc. At the same time, they should divert their energies to some productive activities like community work, sports, character growth, or Sunday schools. Another role of parents is to help their children make the right decisions.
In Islam anything which leads to wrong is also considered wrong. Therefore parents should control the music children are listening to or the TV program they are watching, the magazines they are reading, and the clothes (which may provoke desire in the opposite sex) they are wearing. While group social activity should be permitted with supervision, dating should not be allowed. When American teenagers start dating, sex is on their mind.
In fact during a recent survey, 25% of college freshman boys responded by saying that if they have paid for the food and the girl does not go all the way, they have a right to force her to have sex. Many of the rapes occur at the end of the date and are not reported. Anything which breaks down sexual inhibition and loss of self-control i.e. alcohol, drugs, parking, petting or just being together for two members of the opposite sex in a secluded place should not be allowed for Muslim teenagers. Kissing and petting is preparing the body for sex. The body can be brought to a point of no return.
In summary Muslim parents should teach their children that they are different from non-Muslims in their value system and way of life. Having a feeling and love in your heart for someone of the opposite sex is different and beyond control, while expression of the same through sex is entirely different and should be under control. Muslim children should be told that they don't drink alcohol, eat pork, take drugs, and they don't have to engage in pre-marital sex either.
ISLAMIC CONCEPT OF SEXUALITY
Islam recognizes the power of sexual need, but the subject is discussed in the Quran and the saying of Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in a serious manner, in regard to marital and family life. Parents should familiarize themselves with this body of knowledge.
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
1. "When one of you have sex with your wife, it is a rewarded act of charity." The Companions were surprised and said, "But we do it purely out of our desire. How can it be counted as charity?" The Prophet replied, "If you had done it with a forbidden woman, it would have been counted as a sin, but if you do it in legitimacy, it is counted as charity."
2. "Let not one of you fall upon his wife like a beast falls. It is more appropriate to send a message before the act."
3. "Do not divulge the secrets of your sex life with your wife to another person nor describe her physical feature to anyone."
CONCEPT OF ADULTERY IN ISLAM
God says in the Quran, "Do not go near to adultery. Surely it is a shameful deed and evil, opening roads (to other evils)" (17:32). "Say, 'Verily, my Lord has prohibited the shameful deeds, be it open or secret, sins and trespasses against the truth and reason"' (7:33). "Women impure are for men impure, and men impure are for women impure and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity" (24:26). Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), has said in many place that adultery is one of the three major sins. However the most interesting story is that of a young man who went to the Prophet and asked for permission to fornicate because he could not control himself. The Prophet dealt with him with reasoning and asked him if he would approve of someone else having illegal sex with his mother, sister, daughter or wife. Each time the man said 'no'. Then the Prophet replied that the woman with whom you plan to have sex is also somebody's mother, sister, daughter or wife. The man understood and repented. The Prophet prayed for his forgiveness.
Adultery is a crime not against one person but against the whole of society. It is a violation of marital contract. 50% of all first time marriages in this country result in divorce in two years and the main reason for divorce is the adultery of one of the partners. Adultery, which includes both pre-marital and extra marital sex, is an epidemic in this society. Nobody seems to listen to the Bible which says frequently, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The Quranic approach is, "Do not approach adultery."
What does it mean that not only is illegal sex prohibited, but anything which leads to illegal sex is also illegal? These things include dating, free mixing of the sexes, provocative dress, nudity, obscenity and pornography. The dress code both for men and women is to protect them from temptation and desires by on lookers who may lose self-control and fall into sin. "Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity, and God is well acquainted with all they do. And say to the believing woman that they should lower their gaze, and guard their modesty" (24:30-3 1).
CONCEPT OF MARRIAGE IN ISLAM
Islam recognizes the strong sexual urge and desire for reproduction. Thus Islam encourages marriage as a legal sexual means and as a shield from immorality (sex without commitment). In Islam the marriage of a man and woman is not just a financial and legal living arrangement, not even just for reproduction, but providing a total commitment to each other, a contract witnessed by God. Love and joy of companionship is a part of the commitment. A married couple assumes a new social status and responsibility for himself, his wife and his children and for the community. The Quran says, "Among His signs is that He created consorts for you from among yourself, so that you may find tranquillity with them, and (He) set love and compassion between you. Verily in this are signs for people who reflect" (30:21).
SAYINGS OF PROPHET MUHAMMAD
"Marriage is my tradition. He who rejects my tradition is not of me" (Bukhari, Muslim).
"Marriage is half of religion. The other half is being Godfearing" (Tabarani, Hakim).
In Islam there is no fixed rule as to the age of marriage. It is becoming fashionable for young Muslim men not to marry until they have completed their education, have a job, or reached age 26-30 or more. Similarly young Muslim girls say they want to marry after age 24. Why? When asked, they say, "I am not ready for it." Not ready for what? Don't they have normal sexual desire? If the answer is yes, then they have only one of the two choices a) marry or b) postpone sex (abstinence until they marry). The Quran says, "Let those who find not the where withal for marriage, to keep them selves chaste till God find them the means from His Grace" (24:33).
The Prophet said, "Those of you who own the means should marry, otherwise should keep fasting for it curbs desires" (Ibn Massoud). The Western reason for delaying marriage is different than ours. When I suggested this to one of my sexually active young female patients, she bluntly said, "I don't want to sleep with the same guy every night."
ROLE OF MUSLIM PARENTS AND MUSLIM ORGANIZATIONS
I am not proposing that all Muslim youth be married at age 16. But I must say that youth should accept the biological instinct and make decisions which will help to develop a more satisfied life devoted to having a career rather than spending time in chasing (or dreaming about) the opposite sex. Parents should help their sons and daughters in selection of their mate using Islamic practice as a criteria and not race, color or wealth. They should encourage them to know each other in a supervised setting. The community organization has several roles to play.
a) To provide a platform for boys and girls to see and know each other without any intimacy.
b) Offer premarital educational courses to boys and girls over 18 separately to prepare them for the role of father and husband and of mother and wife. The father has a special role, mentioned by Prophet Muhammad (PBUH), "One who is given by God, a child, he should give it a beautiful name, should give him or her education, and training and when he or she attains puberty, he should see to it that he or she is married. If the father does not arrange their marriage after puberty, and the boy or girl is involved in sin, the responsibility of that sin will lie with the father"
MARRIAGE OF MUSLIM GIRLS IN THE USA
Marriage of Muslim girls in this country is becoming a problem. I was not surprised to read the letter of a Muslim father in a national magazine. He complained that in spite of his doing his best in teaching Islam to his children, his college-going daughter announced that she is going to marry a non-Muslim boy whom she met in college.
As a social scientist I am more interested in the analysis of the events. To be more specific, why would a Muslim girl prefer a non-Muslim boy over a Muslim? The following reasons come to mind:
- She is opposed to and scared of arranged marriages. She should be told that not all arranged marriages are bad ones and that 50% of all love marriages end up in a divorce in this country. Arranged marriages can be successful if approved by both the boy and girl. That is, they need to be a party to the arrangement. I am myself opposed to the blind arranged marriage.
- Muslim boys are not available to her to make a choice. While parents have no objection or cannot do anything about non-Muslim boys with whom she talks or socializes at school or college for forty hours a week, she is not allowed to talk to a Muslim boy in the mosque or in a social gathering. If she does, they frown at her or even accuse her of having a loss character. As a Muslim boy put it, "If I grow up knowing only non-Muslim girls, why do my parents expect me to marry a Muslim one?"
- Some Muslim boys do not care for Muslim girls. On the pretext of missionary work after marriage, they get involved with non-Muslim girls because of their easy availability. Muslim parents who also live with an inferiority complex do not mind their son marrying an American girl of European background but they would object if he marries a Muslim girl of a different school of Islamic thought (Shiah/Sunni) or different tribe like Punjabi, Sunni, Pathan, Arab vs. non-Arab, Afro-American vs. immigrant, or different class, Syed vs. non-Syed. Both the parents and the body should be reminded that the criteria for choosing a spouse that was given by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was not wealth nor color but Islamic piety.
- She may have been told that early marriage, that is, age 18 or less, is taboo and that she should wait until the age of 23 or 25. According to statistics, 80% of American girls, while waiting to get settled in life and married, engage freely in sex with multiple boyfriends. However, this option is not available to Muslim girls. Every year nearly one million teenage girls in this country who think that they are not ready for marriage, get pregnant. By the age of 24 when a Muslim girl decides that she is ready for marriage, it may be too large for her. If she reviews the matrimonial ad section in Islamic magazines, she will quickly notice that the boys of the age group of 25 to 30 are looking for girls from 18 to 20 year age group. They may wrongfully assume that an older girl may not be a virgin.
- She may also carry a wrong notion not proven scientifically that marrying healthy cousins may cause congenital deformities in her offspring.
Thus, unless these issues are addressed, many Muslim girls in the US may end up marrying a non-Muslim or remain unmarried.
CURRICULUM FOR ISLAMIC SEX EDUCATION
Islamic sex ed should be taught at home starting at an early age. Before giving education about anatomy and physiology, the belief in the Creator should be well established. As Dostoevsky put it, "Without God, everything is possible," meaning that the lack of belief or awareness of God gives an OK for wrongdoing.
A father should teach his son and a mother should teach her daughter. In the absence of a willing parent, the next best choice should be a Muslim male teacher (preferably a physician) for boys and a Muslim female teacher (preferably a physician) for a girl at the Islamic Sunday school.
The curriculum should be tailored according to age of the child and classes be held separately. Only pertinent answers to a question should be given. By this I mean that if a five year old asks how he or she got into mommie's stomach, there is no need to describe the whole act of intercourse. Similarly it is not necessary to tell a fourteen year old how to put on condoms. This might be taught in premarital class just before his or her marriage. A curriculum for sex ed should Include:
a. Sexual growth and development
* Time table for puberty
* Physical changes during puberty
* Need for family life
b. Physiology of reproductive system
* For girls- the organ, menstruation, premenstrual syndrome
* For boys- the organ, the sex drive
c. Conception, development of fetus and birth
d. Sexually transmitted disease (VD/AIDS) (emphasize the Islamic aspect)
e. Mental, emotional and social aspects of puberty
f Social, moral and religious ethics
g. How to avoid peer pressure
SEX EDUCATION AFTER MARRIAGE
This essay is not intended to be a sex manual for married couples, although I may write such someday. I just wanted to remind the reader of a short verse in the Quran and then elaborate. The verse is, "They are your garments, and you are their garments" (2:187).
Husbands and wives are described as garments for each other. A garment is very close to our body, so they should be close to each other. A garment protects and shields our modesty, so they should do the same to each other. Garments are put on anytime we like, so should they be available to each other anytime. A garment adds to our beauty, so they should praise and beautify each other.
For husbands I should say that sex is an expression of love and one without the other is incomplete. One of your jobs is to educate your wife in matters of sex especially in your likes and dislikes and do not compare her to other women.
For wives I want to say that a man's sexual needs are different than a women's. Instead of being a passive recipient of sex, try to be an active partner. He is exposed to many temptations outside the home. Be available to please him and do not give him a reason to make a choice between you and hellfire.
SELECTED REFERENCES
Annual Report of Children's Defense Fund. Northside Topics. January,
1988.
"Children Having Children." Time Magazine. December 9, 1985.
Cuffan, J. Report of Center for Disease Control. Indianapolis Star; June
14, 1988.
Dracula of Hormones. Newsweek Magazine. November 25, 1985.
Elam, A. and V. G. Ray. "Sexually Related Trauma: A Review." Annals
of Emergency Medicine, May, 1986, vol. 15:5, pp. 576-584.
Gordon, S. and 1. R. Dickman. "Sex Education-My Parent's Role
Public Affairs Pamphlet No. 549. Published by Public Affairs
Committee, 3 81 Park Ave. South, New York, NY 100 1 6.
Hatcher, Adams J. "Solving Teenage Pregnancy." Medical Aspects of
Human Sexuality. March, 1980, pp. 10-23.
Marvin, S. "How Adults Could Have Helped Me." Parade Magazine,
(Supplement to Indianapolis Star) August 21, 1988, pp. 4-7.
Mast, C. K. "How to Say No to Sex." Medical Aspects of Human
Sexuality. September, 1988, pp. 26-32.
Mast, C. K. Sex Respect: The Option of True Sexual Freedom. Bradley, 11:
Respect Inc., 1986, p. 41.
Muslim, Bukhari. Collection of Hadith.
Nelson, C. A. A Cancer Journal For Clinicians. American Cancer
Society. November-December, 1984.
Report On Sex Education. Time Magazine. November. 24, 1986.
Report on Teens: Sex Attitude Survey by Eight National Evangelical
Churchs. Indianapolis Star. February 2, 1988.
Richard, D. "Teenage Pregnancy and Sex Education in the Schools: What
Works And What Does Not Work," San Antonio Pregnancy Center,
1986, p. 6.
Stroud. "Stop Pornographic Rock." Newsweek Magazine. May 6. 1985.
Time Magazine. February 4, 1985, p. 85.
"What's Gone Wrong With Teen Sex?" People Magazine. April 13, 1987.
Williams, R. H. "Effects of Melatonins in Humans." Textbook of
Endocrinology, 6th Ed., p. 628.
Zamichow, N. Teenage Sex. Ladies Home Journal; October 1986, pp.
138-205.
Die Zina-Gesellschaft
Die Zina-Gesellschaft
"Im Namen Allahs, des Allerbarmers, des Barmherzigen!
Nähert euch nicht dem Ehebruch (Zina), das ist etwas Abscheuliches und öffnet den Weg (zum Schlechten)" [Sura 17:32]
Dieser Vers des Qur'an, eingebettet von zwei Versen, die die Verwerflichkeit des Tötens zum Gegenstand haben, geht mit zwei Begriffen über die bloße Nennung der Verwerflichkeit von Zina, was soviel heißt wie Unzucht treiben oder Ehebruch begehen, hinaus. Zunächst mit der Wendung "la taqrabu". Sie bedeutet "nähert euch nicht", d.h. im Vorfeld dessen, dass etwas Verbotenes geschehen könnte, bereits Maßnahmen treffen, die das Eintreffen des Verbotenen unmöglich machen - eine typisch islamische Maßnahme also, die man ähnlich in vielen Bereichen islamischer Lebensgestaltung antreffen kann.
Eine schöne Metapher für diese Scheu vor der Annäherung findet sich in dem Hadith über den Heiligen Bezirk einen Königs. Das Verbotene wird in diesem Hadith mit dem Heiligen Bezirk eines Königs (d.h. ALLAH) verglichen.1 Der Schafhirte, der seine Schafe in der Nähe des Heiligen Bezirkes weiden lässt, sollte seine Tiere, die er ja aufgrund ihrer Anzahl nicht völlig kontrollieren kann, nicht in der Nähe des Heiligen Bezirkes grasen lassen, um Schaden zu vermeiden. Je weiter er seine Tiere vom Verbotenen entfernt hält, desto sicherer ist er. Genau um eine solche Distanzherstellung geht es auch in dem Vers über Zina.
Warum ist es gerade bei Zina notwendig, eine Distanz herzustellen? Warum begnügt sich der Qur'an nicht einfach nur damit zu sagen "begeht keine Zina", wie es beispielsweise in den Versen davor und danach in Bezug auf das Töten geschieht? Offenbar ist das, was uns zu Zina führen könnte von einer anderen Qualität, als das, was uns zum Töten bringen könnte. Tatsächlich ist der Sexualtrieb unbestritten der stärkste Trieb des Menschen, der in seiner Intensität alles andere Begehren und Drängen des Menschen übertrifft - das Töten ist etwas, was keinem Trieb zu entspringen scheint, sondern erst als Entscheidung auf eine Begierde folgt.2
Allah hat den starken Sexualtrieb aus Weisheit in den Menschen gelegt, um das Getrennte zur Einheit zu fügen, um das Paar fest zu verschlingen, so dass nicht nur das Paar, Mann und Frau, sondern auch die an ihm hängenden Kinder und Verwandten in eine Einheit verschlungen werden. Ein wunderbares Beispiel für diesen Gedanken ist der erste Vers der Sure An-Nisaa. Dort wird das Paar als aus einer Einheit, einer nafs, geschaffen vorgestellt und im Zuge dieser Einheit wird die Verwandtschaftsbande als das, was mit dem Paar besteht, zu pflegen aufgegeben. Weil es also um die Einheit der Menschen, ja der Menschheit, geht und nicht nur um ein singuläres egoistisches Interesse, scheint das sexuelle Begehren so eindringlich zu sein - aber auch so gefährdend.
Ich komme zum zweiten Punkt der Vertiefung von Zina: der Weg, der von Zina ausgeht, kann nur ein schlechter sein; mit der Tat an sich ist das Übel noch nicht vorüber. Ein Besipiel für den üblen Weg, der von Zina ausgeht, hat man an der europäischen Gesellschaft, an der Gesellschaft, in der wir ja leben und in die wir samt unserem Glauben hineingezogen zu werden drohen. Zwei Ereignisse haben das zwanzigste Jahrhundert in Europa maßgebend geformt:
Der Erste Weltkrieg und der Zweite Weltkrieg. Nimmt man die Zeit zwischen den Kriegen als Interim, ergibt sich ein Zeitraum von etwa dreißig Jahren. eine dreißigjährige Kriegszeit, die Europa in der Tiefe ihrer sozialen Beziehungen prägte.3 Was muß es für die deutsche Gesellschaft nach 1945 bedeutet haben, dass 7,5 Millionen (!) Menschen, oft unter entsetzlichen und tragischen Umständen, getötet worden waren, wie viele Waisen, wie viele Witwen? Welche Folgen muß die demoskopisch ungleiche Geschlechterverteilung nach dem Krieg für eine an der Monogamie orientierten Gesellschaft gehabt haben? Was muß es bedeutet haben, dass Millionen von Männern durch fremde Länder zogen und dort mit Frauen anbändelten oder gar vergewaltigten? Als die Rotarmisten nach dem Fall Berlins in die Stadt einzogen und ihre "Siegesfeiern" abhielten, meldeten sich über einhunderttausend (!) Frauen, die vergewaltigt worden waren, die Dunkelziffer, die vielleicht doppelt so hoch sein mochte, gar nicht mitgerechnet.
Aber auch die deutschen Männer werden sich in den vormals eroberten Gebieten nicht gerade zimperlich benommen haben. Waren die Ehen nach dem Krieg nicht durch den Tod des Gatten zerstört, so wurden sie es oft, weil der Mann, wenn er aus dem Krieg zurückkehrte, nicht mehr der war, der in den Krieg hineinmarschiert war; aber auch die Frauen, zu denen die Männer zurückkehrten, waren nicht mehr die, die sie vormals verlassen hatten. Für die sozialen Beziehungen und die moralischen Wertvorstellungen muß der Krieg eine noch größere Katastrophe gewesen sein als er es für Sachen und Personen war. Bis in die Gegenwart hinein reichen die Folgen; die in der Nachkriegszeit Geborenen sind diejenigen, die zur Zeit Land regieren und erst vor etwa zehn Jahren ist ja die Teilung zwischen Ost und West aufgehoben worden.
Auf diese Nachkriegswelt der geschundenen Menschen traf nun etwas, worauf sie ebenso wenig wie auf den Krieg vorbereitet waren: der amerikanische Kapitalismus und der sowjetische Bolschewismus. Besonders der Kapitalismus stieß verhängnisvoll auf die zerstörten Sitten und die ramponierten Moralvorstellungen, weil der Kapitalismus die Gier nach Gütern zu einem entscheidenden Antrieb des Handelns macht. Eine Folge war das, was man so lapidar "die Sexwelle" genannt hat, so als sei etwas ohne Aussicht auf Entkommen über die Menschen hinweg geschwappt. Das, was man in Europa die Emanzipation der 68er-Generation von der "bürgerlichen" Moralbevormundung nannte, war in Wirklichkeit die nahe liegende Folge einer im Widerspruch lebenden Gesellschaft, die "Moral" sagte und sich bereits während des Krieges an ganz anderes gewöhnt hatte - ein Film wie "die Sünderin" mit Hildegard Knef scheint genau dieses Lebensgefühl auszudrücken: die reine deutsche Frau gab es nicht mehr.
Die Liberalisierungstendenzen in den 60er Jahren waren Folgen aus dem Sittenverfall während des Krieges.4 Erst jetzt hatte der Nihilismus den Radius seiner größten Wirkung erreicht. Dadurch, dass man Zina im Grunde nicht mehr für verwerflich oder unrechtmäßig ansah, war es möglich, Gegenstände, die eigentlich nichts mit Sexuellem zu tun hatten, in die Aura des Erotischen zu ziehen. Überall, wo irgend etwas aus dem Einerlei des bloß Gegenständlichen in die Aufmerksamkeit des menschlichen Blickes gezogen werden sollte, wurde es mit diesem menschlichen Trieb verbunden.5
Sexualität ist jetzt nicht mehr, wie es noch im neunzehnten Jahrhundert der Fall war, etwas Privates, das niemanden außer den Paaren etwas angeht.6 Sexualität wird in der Nachkriegszeit zu etwas Öffentlichem. Das Intimste kann heutzutage, durchaus in einer Show, vor die Leute gebracht werden, ohne dass sich jemand gestört fühlt - das Schlafzimmer existiert als Raum des Ehepaares auch gar nicht mehr.
Freiheit, Emanzipation von überholten patriarchalischen Machtansprüchen, die mit einem sogenannten überholten Ideal von Treue in Zusammenhang gebracht wurden und die "Befreiung" von Geschlechterrollen waren die Folgen der verhängnisvollen Nachkriegskonstellation. Wie dem auch sei, Kriege führen leicht zu einer Verrohung der Sitten, was dann auch hier in Europa geschehen ist. Bereits nach dem Ersten Weltkrieg lösten die "Wilden Zwanziger Jahre" eine Entwicklung aus, die sich später in Amerika fortsetzen sollte.
Die Überfrachtung des öffentlichen Raumes mit sexuellen Schlüsselreizen hat genau zu der Reaktion geführt, wie wir sie schon sehr früh für die modernen europäischen Städte mit ihren Reizüberflutungen kennen: zur Abstumpfung.
Die Menschen in den Großstädten schützen sich vor der Reizüberflutung durch das, was man Blasiertheit genannt hat, sie reduzieren ihre Wahrnehmung, legen "Scheuklappen" an und laufen mit dem für Großstädter typischen "teilnahmslosen Gesichtsausdruck" umher. Das ist nicht nur schade für die Gesprächskultur, wie man sie früher kannte. Für die Sexualität der Menschen in der Großstadt bedeutet das eine reduzierte Sexualität, eine Unterdrückung des Triebes, um nicht ständig gereizt zu werden. Die Folge der sexuellen Reizüberflutung ist zunächst einmal das Erlernen von Selbstrestriktionsmaßnahmen (Selbstkontrolle) in Bezug auf die eigene Sexualität; es ist naheliegend sich vorzustellen, dass diese Restriktionen sich auch auf den privaten Bereich ausdehnen und die Beziehung zum Partner stören:
Erotik geschieht mehr und mehr "über den Kopf" und schwächt damit die positive Kraft, die sie in der Beziehung der Paare spielen soll. Das Band der Ehe wird instabiler. Etwa in den letzten zwanzig Jahren hat sich diese Reizüberflutung verlagert; es sind nicht mehr nur die öffentlichen Räume, in denen sich die Sexualität von der Ehe abgekoppelt zeigt, in den letzen Jahren ist im Zuge der Privatisierung des Fernsehens, insbesondere durch die Satellitentechnik, all das, was vorher im öffentlichen Raum der Stadt angetroffen werden konnte, auch in den privaten Bereich vorgedrungen.
Ein Beispiel: ein Kern der Verknüpfung von Ware und Sexualität bildet die Kleidermode. Sie wird nicht von uns bestimmt, sondern diktiert, und sie wird so diktiert, dass sie dem Kommerz dient, das heißt: fast alle Moden sind körperbetont, versuchen also das Begehren in den Vordergrund zu schieben. Das führt zu eigenartigen Konstellationen. Die Moden für die Kinder werden schon so gestylt, dass sie einem erotischen Ideal der Erwachsenen nachstreben. Die Kinder kleiden und schminken sich nach erotischen Vorbildern von Stars, werden also erotisiert, was sie selbst nicht merken - was aber von Pädophilen durchaus bemerkt wird.
Die Erotisierung der Kinder durch die Mode ist eine subtile Unterminierung der Privatsphäre mit erotischer Symbolik, die das Schamgefühl löscht. Der private Bereich wird von außen bestimmt und ist damit im Grunde keiner mehr,er entspricht zumindest nicht mehr dem islamischen Ideal privater Ungestörtheit. Ein anderes Beispiel: Ein erotisches Attribut des Mannes sind breite Schultern.
Die Bekleidungsmode betont die breiten Schultern des Mannes nicht nur durch eine Verengung der Taille, sondern auch durch Hervorhebung der Schultern. Im Rahmen der sogenannten Emanzipation der Frau, die im Kern bedeutet, dass Frauen die Machtpositionen einnehmen, die Männer lange Zeit innehatten, werden nun eben diese Kleidungsmerkmale des Mannes auch für Frauen interessant. Die Pointierungen der Kleidung, die für Männer vorgesehen waren, spielen plötzlich für Frauen eine Rolle. Jede Damenjacke wird an den Schultern breiter geschnitten und mit Polstern ausgelegt, wie wenn man es mit einem Boxer oder Rugbyspieler zu tun hätte.
Die Frau wird also vermännlicht, und gerade die Distanz zwischen Mann und Frau, die eine erotische Energie erzeugen könnte, wird aufgehoben: die Frau ist gleich dem Mann, es gibt keine Attraktion, sondern eine Konkurrenz - man betrachte vor diesem Hintergrund einmal die Kleidung und die Gestik der Journalistin Sabine Christiansen! Wir Muslime wissen, dass die Differenz zwischen Mann und Frau sich auch in der Kleidung ausdrücken soll. Hier geschieht aber genau das Gegenteil. Die Gefahr von Zina entsteht, weil der Mann jetzt durch die Vermännlichung der Frau von seiner Frau auch da abgezogen wird, wo die Privatsphäre eine selbstbestimmte erotische Sphäre schaffen sollte: es gibt kein eindeutiges Geschlechtsgegenüber mehr.
Auch das führt zu einer Verkümmerung der Partnerschaft, die von außen gesteuert zu sein scheint. Dazu kommt, dass das Fernsehen bereits zu immer früheren Sendezeiten entblößte Körper oder Menschen in verfänglichen Situationen zeigt, an die sich die Fernsehzuschauer immer mehr gewöhnen. Den gesamten Tag über trifft das kommerziell orientierte Programm in alle Bereiche des Wohnens, vom Kinderzimmer bis ins Schlafzimmer. Fernsehwerbung, aber auch etwa die Plakatwerbung wird ganz offensiv mit sexuellen Reizen versehen; die Überfülle dieser Reize muß als Folge der Konkurrenz der Produkte gesehen werden, die gleichzeitig eine Konkurrenz im Entblößen ist.
Diese Symbole werden auch in normalen Sendungen aufgegriffen, in Talkshows etwa, und führen also gegenwärtig insgesamt zu einer dramatischen Senkung der Schamschwelle; exponiert wird dieser Prozeß durch das sich zur Zeit intensiv ausdehnende Internet, in dem manche Webseiten praktisch keine Tabus mehr kennen. Selbst sodomitische Praktiken perversester Art werden gezeigt und sind ein Ausdruck dafür, dass die Abstumpfung, die sich aus dem andauernden Ausgesetztsein von sexuellen Reizen ergibt, nur durch einen "Kick" durch Perverses überwunden wird. Die Tendenz geht also eindeutig in Richtung Verlust sämtlicher Schamschranken. Ausländische Muslime, die in Europa leben und aufgrund des Technologiemangels in ihren Heimatländern besonders an moderner Technik interessiert sind, werden besonders von diesem dramatischen Absinken des Schamgefühls betroffen sein.
Wer trotzdem weiter in Europa leben will, sollte darauf bedacht sein, das Schamgefühl zu schützen und sich nicht an Entwertungen dieses wichtigen Gefühls zu beteiligen. dass die Kinder, die ja von der Bildungsministerin Bulmahn sogar einen internettauglichen PC versprochen bekommen haben, ganz anders in diese Gesellschaft hineinwachsen werden als wir Erwachsene es getan haben, sollte uns dabei klar sein.
Um sich in der Situation des drohenden Verlustes des Schamgefühls am Islam zu orientieren, kann man auch auf Lösungsvorgaben aus der Lebenswelt der frühen Muslime zurückgreifen. Dort hatte man bereits das Alleinsein mit einem Menschen anderen Geschlechts außerhalb der Verwandtschaftsbande als Gefahr angesehen, als Annäherung an Zina (nachlesbar z.B. in dem Kapitel der sira über "Hadith al-ifk").
Man empfand das Alleinsein oder gar die Berührung eines nicht verwandtschaftlich gebundenen Geschlechtsgegenübers als peinlich, man schämte sich. Die Höflichkeitsformen, die Muslime gegenüber dem Muslim anderen Geschlechts kennen, sind im Kern Distanzformen aus Scham und lassen somit hintergründige Annäherungsversuche nicht zu; das, was sich im Europa der Minnezeit als die Hochachtung vor dem weiblichen Geschlecht ausdrückte, lässt sich höchstwahrscheinlich auf das Schamgefühl der Muslime zurückführen, die mit ihm den Respekt vor der Frau ausdrückten.
Die Muslime gingen sogar soweit, die Häuser und die Straßen der Viertel so anzulegen, dass es nicht zu unzüchtigen Begegnungen kommen konnte. Sie wussten genau, dass die Unzucht mit dem Voyeurismus beginnt. Ein Hadith aus der Sammlung des Buchari beschreibt einen solchen Voyeur, der in das Haus des Propheten (s), in seine Privatsphäre also, durch ein Loch hineinzuspähen versuchte. Der Prophet(s) bemerkt den Voyeur und entgegnete ihm, dass er, hätte er ihn von innerhalb des Hauses bemerkt, seinen kleinen Stock, mit dem er sich seinen Rücken zu kratzen pflegte, durch das Guckloch gestoßen hätte.7
Eine rigorose Androhung, die dem Schutzwert der vom Islam geschützten privaten Sphäre entspricht. Entsprechend der Bedeckung der Privatgemächer durch die Fassade des Hauses wird im Islam auch auf das Bedecken des Leibes durch die Kleidung geachtet. Die Entblößung, der Verlust des Schamgefühls und alles, was dazu führt, wird offenbar als Weg zu Zina angesehen. Zina kann sich im allgemeinen erst ergeben, wenn eine gewisse Liederlichkeit durch Sprache oder Gebärde entstanden ist, aufgrund der man sich getraut, seine Wünsche seinem Gegenüber mitzuteilen. Wenn die frühen Muslime die Fassaden ihrer Häuser in diesem Sinne fensterlos gestalteten - z.T. bis heute -, um bereits den Blick von außen ins Haus nicht zuzulassen, dann geschieht in Europa gegenwärtig genau das Gegenteil. Man "erweitert" die Fensteröffnungen in den Privatbereichen, um möglichst alles zu präsentieren, was innerhalb der Privatsphäre geschieht und sie im Grunde damit zu beseitigen.
Die mir im Moment bekannte extremste Form dieses Voyeurismus ist die Sendung "Big Brother", in der praktisch das "Fernsehfenster" einen Einblick für Millionen Menschen auf Personen gewährt, die offenbar ihren Spaß daran haben, sich schamlos einem voyeuristischen Publikum zu zeigen. Im Internet werden Möglichkeiten angeboten, durch geheime Kamerafenster zu schauen oder Menschen in ihrer Privatwohnung zu beobachten. Offensichtlich ist die Idee zur Sendung "Big Brother" aus der Beobachtung von Trends im Internet entstanden. Kameras für das Internet werden neuerdings in Supermärkten günstig angeboten, so dass bald mit einer neuen Qualitätsstufe des sich Entblößens und des Betrachtens zu rechnen ist, eine Stufe, die aus dem Zustand des Spektakulären in den des Alltäglichen überführt. Zina rückt so immer weiter in den Bereich des Normalen vor und wird unmerklich zu etwas Legitimen.
Wie können wir Muslime den "heiligen Bezirk" wahren? Dadurch, dass wir unser Schamgefühl pflegen und es uns nicht ausreden lassen, was man nämlich lange schon versucht hat. In der Psychoanalyse hatte man das Schamgefühl als ein Instrumentarium der Selbstunterdrückung ausgemacht, dabei ist es ein sehr feines Instrument für die Ermessung einer gesunden Distanz zwischen Privatsphäre und Öffentlichkeit, dazu ein Mittel zur Befreiung von der Diktatur der Triebe. "Wenn du dich nicht schämst, dann tu was du willst", heißt es im Hadith.8 Die Gefahr für das Schamgefühl ist nun, dass man sich durch die Wiederholung des Schamlosen an diesen Zustand gewöhnt und das Schamgefühl verliert. So summieren sich viele kleine Ereignisse zu der Vorstellung, das Schamgefühl sei nicht mehr zeitgemäß.
Durch die Absenkung der Schamgrenzen im öffentlichen Raum bestehen bald kaum noch Unterschiede zwischen Öffentlichkeit und Privatheit. Die Differenz kann nicht mehr wahrgenommen werden. Es gibt nichts Öffentliches mehr, weil es nichts Privates mehr gibt Das Intimste wird vor allen Menschen, im Fernsehen und im Internet, mitgeteilt. Und das Öffentliche wird über das Fernsehen dort mitgeteilt, wo es eigentlich nichts zu suchen hat, in der Privatsphäre. Für die Ehe bedeutet all das, das Fehlen eines schützenden Bezirkes, da öffentliche Interessen, zumeist kommerzieller Art, in die Privatsphäre eingreifen. Eine echte Belastung für die Partnerschaft. Die Lösung scheint zu sein, all das, was in Europa zu einer Beherrschung des Privatbereiches tendiert, so zu organisieren, dass es nur dort wirkt, wo es hingehört, in den öffentlichen Raum. Ich meine beispielsweise Folgendes:
Das Internet wirkt besonders dadurch, dass die schamlosen Angebote anonym genutzt werden können. Das Internet wird daher von vielen dazu benutzt, in einem abgeschlossenen Raum Perverses zu begaffen; in einem öffentlichen Raum würden sie sich das überlegen, denn sie könnten gesehen werden und das wäre ihnen peinlich. Der Punkt, an dem das Internet auf die Schwäche des Menschen trifft, ist die Anonymität, niemand sieht ihn, niemand beobachtet ihn. Das Schamgefühl kann in dem Moment entstehen, wo ich das Internet öffentlich benutze, denn das Schamgefühl ist zutiefst und eigentlich ein soziales Gefühl, d.h. es entsteht erst dann, wenn wir nicht alleine sind, sondern in der Gemeinschaft [im Hadith wird ausdrücklich vor dem Alleinsein gewarnt, denn wer alleine ist, dessen Begleiter ist der Schaitan, heißt es; auch die Vorstellung, in der Nähe Gottes zu leben, erzeugt dieses Gefühl (Ih-ssan)]. die modernen Medien Zielen aber gerade in ihrer Berührung des Sexualtriebes auf den alleine lebenden Menschen - zunächst jedenfalls.
Die Beherrschung meiner Triebe durch Mächte, die an mir verdienen möchten, kann also dadurch verhindert werden, dass ich das Internet in einem gewissen sinne öffentlich benutze. Wenn ich also zu zweit surfe und nicht alleine, ist das Internet öffentlich. Wenn ich es in einem Café benutze, ist es öffentlich, wenn ich es aber zu Hause und alleine benutze, ohne dass mich jemand beobachten kann, bin ich allein mit einer Technik, die es auf die Ausreizung meiner Triebe angelegt hat, bin ich in der Position des Schwächeren. Wenn wir schon nicht um das Internet herumkommen, weil offenbar zur Zeit alles dafür getan wird, die öffentliche Kommunikation auf diese Ebene zu überführen, wollten wir Muslime uns zumindest daran gewöhnen, es so zu organisieren, dass es aus dem intimen Privatbereich herausgenommen wird und in eine öffentliche Sphäre verlegt wird, in der wir uns schämen können - was natürlich auch für andere Medien gelten könnte. Der mehr oder weniger ständige Beschuss mit schamlosen Inhalten führt zur Gewöhnung an Schamloses und lässt die Hemmungen in Bezug auf Entblößung sinken, und lässt eine Annäherung an Zina zu. Was wir momentan in Europa beobachten können, ist nicht allein die Umwandlung des Schamgefühls, es ist die Zerstörung der Ehe durch Zina, ist die Destabilisierung der gesamten Gesellschaft.
Zusammenfassung: Die Sexualität ist in Europa seit den großen Kriegen im allgemeinen nichts mehr, was nur noch zwischen den Ehepartnern stattfindet. Die Sexualität wurde von der Ehe abgekoppelt und in Beziehung zu Gütern gebracht, zumeist aus kommerziellem Interesse - was hat etwa ein Milchprodukt mit einer attraktiven Frau zu tun? Das gefährdet die Partnerbeziehungen der Muslime, die in der Ehe einen bewahrenswerten Wert sehen. die Sexualisierung des Alltags verstärkt nicht den Trieb oder lässt ihn ausleben, wie man denken könnte, sondern mindert ihn einerseits und treibt die Menschen andererseits hin zum Perversen. Die Ablenkung der Partner voneinander, die auch aus der Lebensfremdheit des Perversen entsteht, ist aber ein Weg hin zu Zina. Die Gewöhnung an diese Vorgänge lässt das Schamgefühl sinken, was zur Zeit dramatisch geschieht. Offenbar kommt es darauf an, den Sinn für das Schamgefühl zu bewahren. Wir sollten als Muslime die subtilen Mechanismen dieser Zerstörung kennen, beispielsweise im Internet. Die Revolution des Kommunikationsbereiches führt wahrscheinlich zu tief greifenden Änderungen des Privatbereiches; keine Schutzzone bleibt mehr vor Handy oder Bildschirm verschont, selbst das Gebet nicht. Die Ehe ist auf das Äußerste gefährdet.
Quelle: Al-Islam, Ayyub Mühlbauer
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1 Vgl. z.B. Al-Nawawi, Vierzig Hadithe, Nr 6, in der Übertragung von Ahmad von Denffer, Leicester 1979; auch bei Buchari 2/38
2 Erstaunlicherweise und in der Konsequenz des Gedankens liegend wird der nächste Vers, der sich auf den Besitz der Waisen bezieht, wieder mit der Wendung "nähert euch nicht", la taqrabu, eingeleitet, weil es offenbar die Gier nach Besitz ist, ein Drang also, dem sich die hilflosen Waisen ausgesetzt sehen.
3 Vgl. dazu etwa die Beschreibungen in Hans Falladas Roman "Kleiner Mann was nun?"; Hamburg 1932.
4 Der Roman von Günter Grass "Die Blechtrommel", der Anfang der sechziger Jahre bekannt wurde, enthält einige Szenen, die damals noch für einen Teil der Öffentlichkeit kaum akzeptabel waren, heute aber schon lange niemanden mehr aufregen.
5 Die Fernsehwerbung ist ein auffälliges Beispiel dafür, wie Produkte von der Zahnpasta über Kaugummis bis zur Seife durch Zusammenstellung mit Sexuellem in die Aufmerksamkeitssphäre des Menschen gezogen werden können, obwohl kein Interesse am Produkt besteht.
6 Allerdings auch hier nur eingeschränkt; man schützte die Privatsphäre, um über das Idealbild der "Fürstenfamilie" eine subtile Beherrschung dieser unzugänglichen Sphäre zu erreichen. Die bürgerliche Familie war durchaus nach dem Vorbild feudaler Familien gestaltet.
7 Im Sahih Muslim finden sich mehrere Kapitel zu diesem Thema u a. das für die Raumgestaltung relevante Kapitel über das Verbot, heimlich in ein Haus zu blicken: Sahl ibn Sad as-Sai'di überlieferte, dass eine Person durch ein Loch in der Tür des Hauses des Propheten blickte; der Prophet hatte etwas bei sich, mit dem er seinen Kopf kratzte. Als der Prophet ihn sah, sagte er: Hätte ich gewußt, dass du durch das Loch guckst, dann hätte ich es (das Stöckchen) durch das Loch gesteckt und er sagte: das Einfordern der Erlaubnis ist notwendig als Schutz gegen den unerlaubten Blick." (Muslim 5366, vgl. die engliche Übersetzung von A.H. Sidiqqi).
8 Al-Nawawi, op. cit., Nr. 20.
Quelle: Al-Islam
"Im Namen Allahs, des Allerbarmers, des Barmherzigen!
Nähert euch nicht dem Ehebruch (Zina), das ist etwas Abscheuliches und öffnet den Weg (zum Schlechten)" [Sura 17:32]
Dieser Vers des Qur'an, eingebettet von zwei Versen, die die Verwerflichkeit des Tötens zum Gegenstand haben, geht mit zwei Begriffen über die bloße Nennung der Verwerflichkeit von Zina, was soviel heißt wie Unzucht treiben oder Ehebruch begehen, hinaus. Zunächst mit der Wendung "la taqrabu". Sie bedeutet "nähert euch nicht", d.h. im Vorfeld dessen, dass etwas Verbotenes geschehen könnte, bereits Maßnahmen treffen, die das Eintreffen des Verbotenen unmöglich machen - eine typisch islamische Maßnahme also, die man ähnlich in vielen Bereichen islamischer Lebensgestaltung antreffen kann.
Eine schöne Metapher für diese Scheu vor der Annäherung findet sich in dem Hadith über den Heiligen Bezirk einen Königs. Das Verbotene wird in diesem Hadith mit dem Heiligen Bezirk eines Königs (d.h. ALLAH) verglichen.1 Der Schafhirte, der seine Schafe in der Nähe des Heiligen Bezirkes weiden lässt, sollte seine Tiere, die er ja aufgrund ihrer Anzahl nicht völlig kontrollieren kann, nicht in der Nähe des Heiligen Bezirkes grasen lassen, um Schaden zu vermeiden. Je weiter er seine Tiere vom Verbotenen entfernt hält, desto sicherer ist er. Genau um eine solche Distanzherstellung geht es auch in dem Vers über Zina.
Warum ist es gerade bei Zina notwendig, eine Distanz herzustellen? Warum begnügt sich der Qur'an nicht einfach nur damit zu sagen "begeht keine Zina", wie es beispielsweise in den Versen davor und danach in Bezug auf das Töten geschieht? Offenbar ist das, was uns zu Zina führen könnte von einer anderen Qualität, als das, was uns zum Töten bringen könnte. Tatsächlich ist der Sexualtrieb unbestritten der stärkste Trieb des Menschen, der in seiner Intensität alles andere Begehren und Drängen des Menschen übertrifft - das Töten ist etwas, was keinem Trieb zu entspringen scheint, sondern erst als Entscheidung auf eine Begierde folgt.2
Allah hat den starken Sexualtrieb aus Weisheit in den Menschen gelegt, um das Getrennte zur Einheit zu fügen, um das Paar fest zu verschlingen, so dass nicht nur das Paar, Mann und Frau, sondern auch die an ihm hängenden Kinder und Verwandten in eine Einheit verschlungen werden. Ein wunderbares Beispiel für diesen Gedanken ist der erste Vers der Sure An-Nisaa. Dort wird das Paar als aus einer Einheit, einer nafs, geschaffen vorgestellt und im Zuge dieser Einheit wird die Verwandtschaftsbande als das, was mit dem Paar besteht, zu pflegen aufgegeben. Weil es also um die Einheit der Menschen, ja der Menschheit, geht und nicht nur um ein singuläres egoistisches Interesse, scheint das sexuelle Begehren so eindringlich zu sein - aber auch so gefährdend.
Ich komme zum zweiten Punkt der Vertiefung von Zina: der Weg, der von Zina ausgeht, kann nur ein schlechter sein; mit der Tat an sich ist das Übel noch nicht vorüber. Ein Besipiel für den üblen Weg, der von Zina ausgeht, hat man an der europäischen Gesellschaft, an der Gesellschaft, in der wir ja leben und in die wir samt unserem Glauben hineingezogen zu werden drohen. Zwei Ereignisse haben das zwanzigste Jahrhundert in Europa maßgebend geformt:
Der Erste Weltkrieg und der Zweite Weltkrieg. Nimmt man die Zeit zwischen den Kriegen als Interim, ergibt sich ein Zeitraum von etwa dreißig Jahren. eine dreißigjährige Kriegszeit, die Europa in der Tiefe ihrer sozialen Beziehungen prägte.3 Was muß es für die deutsche Gesellschaft nach 1945 bedeutet haben, dass 7,5 Millionen (!) Menschen, oft unter entsetzlichen und tragischen Umständen, getötet worden waren, wie viele Waisen, wie viele Witwen? Welche Folgen muß die demoskopisch ungleiche Geschlechterverteilung nach dem Krieg für eine an der Monogamie orientierten Gesellschaft gehabt haben? Was muß es bedeutet haben, dass Millionen von Männern durch fremde Länder zogen und dort mit Frauen anbändelten oder gar vergewaltigten? Als die Rotarmisten nach dem Fall Berlins in die Stadt einzogen und ihre "Siegesfeiern" abhielten, meldeten sich über einhunderttausend (!) Frauen, die vergewaltigt worden waren, die Dunkelziffer, die vielleicht doppelt so hoch sein mochte, gar nicht mitgerechnet.
Aber auch die deutschen Männer werden sich in den vormals eroberten Gebieten nicht gerade zimperlich benommen haben. Waren die Ehen nach dem Krieg nicht durch den Tod des Gatten zerstört, so wurden sie es oft, weil der Mann, wenn er aus dem Krieg zurückkehrte, nicht mehr der war, der in den Krieg hineinmarschiert war; aber auch die Frauen, zu denen die Männer zurückkehrten, waren nicht mehr die, die sie vormals verlassen hatten. Für die sozialen Beziehungen und die moralischen Wertvorstellungen muß der Krieg eine noch größere Katastrophe gewesen sein als er es für Sachen und Personen war. Bis in die Gegenwart hinein reichen die Folgen; die in der Nachkriegszeit Geborenen sind diejenigen, die zur Zeit Land regieren und erst vor etwa zehn Jahren ist ja die Teilung zwischen Ost und West aufgehoben worden.
Auf diese Nachkriegswelt der geschundenen Menschen traf nun etwas, worauf sie ebenso wenig wie auf den Krieg vorbereitet waren: der amerikanische Kapitalismus und der sowjetische Bolschewismus. Besonders der Kapitalismus stieß verhängnisvoll auf die zerstörten Sitten und die ramponierten Moralvorstellungen, weil der Kapitalismus die Gier nach Gütern zu einem entscheidenden Antrieb des Handelns macht. Eine Folge war das, was man so lapidar "die Sexwelle" genannt hat, so als sei etwas ohne Aussicht auf Entkommen über die Menschen hinweg geschwappt. Das, was man in Europa die Emanzipation der 68er-Generation von der "bürgerlichen" Moralbevormundung nannte, war in Wirklichkeit die nahe liegende Folge einer im Widerspruch lebenden Gesellschaft, die "Moral" sagte und sich bereits während des Krieges an ganz anderes gewöhnt hatte - ein Film wie "die Sünderin" mit Hildegard Knef scheint genau dieses Lebensgefühl auszudrücken: die reine deutsche Frau gab es nicht mehr.
Die Liberalisierungstendenzen in den 60er Jahren waren Folgen aus dem Sittenverfall während des Krieges.4 Erst jetzt hatte der Nihilismus den Radius seiner größten Wirkung erreicht. Dadurch, dass man Zina im Grunde nicht mehr für verwerflich oder unrechtmäßig ansah, war es möglich, Gegenstände, die eigentlich nichts mit Sexuellem zu tun hatten, in die Aura des Erotischen zu ziehen. Überall, wo irgend etwas aus dem Einerlei des bloß Gegenständlichen in die Aufmerksamkeit des menschlichen Blickes gezogen werden sollte, wurde es mit diesem menschlichen Trieb verbunden.5
Sexualität ist jetzt nicht mehr, wie es noch im neunzehnten Jahrhundert der Fall war, etwas Privates, das niemanden außer den Paaren etwas angeht.6 Sexualität wird in der Nachkriegszeit zu etwas Öffentlichem. Das Intimste kann heutzutage, durchaus in einer Show, vor die Leute gebracht werden, ohne dass sich jemand gestört fühlt - das Schlafzimmer existiert als Raum des Ehepaares auch gar nicht mehr.
Freiheit, Emanzipation von überholten patriarchalischen Machtansprüchen, die mit einem sogenannten überholten Ideal von Treue in Zusammenhang gebracht wurden und die "Befreiung" von Geschlechterrollen waren die Folgen der verhängnisvollen Nachkriegskonstellation. Wie dem auch sei, Kriege führen leicht zu einer Verrohung der Sitten, was dann auch hier in Europa geschehen ist. Bereits nach dem Ersten Weltkrieg lösten die "Wilden Zwanziger Jahre" eine Entwicklung aus, die sich später in Amerika fortsetzen sollte.
Die Überfrachtung des öffentlichen Raumes mit sexuellen Schlüsselreizen hat genau zu der Reaktion geführt, wie wir sie schon sehr früh für die modernen europäischen Städte mit ihren Reizüberflutungen kennen: zur Abstumpfung.
Die Menschen in den Großstädten schützen sich vor der Reizüberflutung durch das, was man Blasiertheit genannt hat, sie reduzieren ihre Wahrnehmung, legen "Scheuklappen" an und laufen mit dem für Großstädter typischen "teilnahmslosen Gesichtsausdruck" umher. Das ist nicht nur schade für die Gesprächskultur, wie man sie früher kannte. Für die Sexualität der Menschen in der Großstadt bedeutet das eine reduzierte Sexualität, eine Unterdrückung des Triebes, um nicht ständig gereizt zu werden. Die Folge der sexuellen Reizüberflutung ist zunächst einmal das Erlernen von Selbstrestriktionsmaßnahmen (Selbstkontrolle) in Bezug auf die eigene Sexualität; es ist naheliegend sich vorzustellen, dass diese Restriktionen sich auch auf den privaten Bereich ausdehnen und die Beziehung zum Partner stören:
Erotik geschieht mehr und mehr "über den Kopf" und schwächt damit die positive Kraft, die sie in der Beziehung der Paare spielen soll. Das Band der Ehe wird instabiler. Etwa in den letzten zwanzig Jahren hat sich diese Reizüberflutung verlagert; es sind nicht mehr nur die öffentlichen Räume, in denen sich die Sexualität von der Ehe abgekoppelt zeigt, in den letzen Jahren ist im Zuge der Privatisierung des Fernsehens, insbesondere durch die Satellitentechnik, all das, was vorher im öffentlichen Raum der Stadt angetroffen werden konnte, auch in den privaten Bereich vorgedrungen.
Ein Beispiel: ein Kern der Verknüpfung von Ware und Sexualität bildet die Kleidermode. Sie wird nicht von uns bestimmt, sondern diktiert, und sie wird so diktiert, dass sie dem Kommerz dient, das heißt: fast alle Moden sind körperbetont, versuchen also das Begehren in den Vordergrund zu schieben. Das führt zu eigenartigen Konstellationen. Die Moden für die Kinder werden schon so gestylt, dass sie einem erotischen Ideal der Erwachsenen nachstreben. Die Kinder kleiden und schminken sich nach erotischen Vorbildern von Stars, werden also erotisiert, was sie selbst nicht merken - was aber von Pädophilen durchaus bemerkt wird.
Die Erotisierung der Kinder durch die Mode ist eine subtile Unterminierung der Privatsphäre mit erotischer Symbolik, die das Schamgefühl löscht. Der private Bereich wird von außen bestimmt und ist damit im Grunde keiner mehr,er entspricht zumindest nicht mehr dem islamischen Ideal privater Ungestörtheit. Ein anderes Beispiel: Ein erotisches Attribut des Mannes sind breite Schultern.
Die Bekleidungsmode betont die breiten Schultern des Mannes nicht nur durch eine Verengung der Taille, sondern auch durch Hervorhebung der Schultern. Im Rahmen der sogenannten Emanzipation der Frau, die im Kern bedeutet, dass Frauen die Machtpositionen einnehmen, die Männer lange Zeit innehatten, werden nun eben diese Kleidungsmerkmale des Mannes auch für Frauen interessant. Die Pointierungen der Kleidung, die für Männer vorgesehen waren, spielen plötzlich für Frauen eine Rolle. Jede Damenjacke wird an den Schultern breiter geschnitten und mit Polstern ausgelegt, wie wenn man es mit einem Boxer oder Rugbyspieler zu tun hätte.
Die Frau wird also vermännlicht, und gerade die Distanz zwischen Mann und Frau, die eine erotische Energie erzeugen könnte, wird aufgehoben: die Frau ist gleich dem Mann, es gibt keine Attraktion, sondern eine Konkurrenz - man betrachte vor diesem Hintergrund einmal die Kleidung und die Gestik der Journalistin Sabine Christiansen! Wir Muslime wissen, dass die Differenz zwischen Mann und Frau sich auch in der Kleidung ausdrücken soll. Hier geschieht aber genau das Gegenteil. Die Gefahr von Zina entsteht, weil der Mann jetzt durch die Vermännlichung der Frau von seiner Frau auch da abgezogen wird, wo die Privatsphäre eine selbstbestimmte erotische Sphäre schaffen sollte: es gibt kein eindeutiges Geschlechtsgegenüber mehr.
Auch das führt zu einer Verkümmerung der Partnerschaft, die von außen gesteuert zu sein scheint. Dazu kommt, dass das Fernsehen bereits zu immer früheren Sendezeiten entblößte Körper oder Menschen in verfänglichen Situationen zeigt, an die sich die Fernsehzuschauer immer mehr gewöhnen. Den gesamten Tag über trifft das kommerziell orientierte Programm in alle Bereiche des Wohnens, vom Kinderzimmer bis ins Schlafzimmer. Fernsehwerbung, aber auch etwa die Plakatwerbung wird ganz offensiv mit sexuellen Reizen versehen; die Überfülle dieser Reize muß als Folge der Konkurrenz der Produkte gesehen werden, die gleichzeitig eine Konkurrenz im Entblößen ist.
Diese Symbole werden auch in normalen Sendungen aufgegriffen, in Talkshows etwa, und führen also gegenwärtig insgesamt zu einer dramatischen Senkung der Schamschwelle; exponiert wird dieser Prozeß durch das sich zur Zeit intensiv ausdehnende Internet, in dem manche Webseiten praktisch keine Tabus mehr kennen. Selbst sodomitische Praktiken perversester Art werden gezeigt und sind ein Ausdruck dafür, dass die Abstumpfung, die sich aus dem andauernden Ausgesetztsein von sexuellen Reizen ergibt, nur durch einen "Kick" durch Perverses überwunden wird. Die Tendenz geht also eindeutig in Richtung Verlust sämtlicher Schamschranken. Ausländische Muslime, die in Europa leben und aufgrund des Technologiemangels in ihren Heimatländern besonders an moderner Technik interessiert sind, werden besonders von diesem dramatischen Absinken des Schamgefühls betroffen sein.
Wer trotzdem weiter in Europa leben will, sollte darauf bedacht sein, das Schamgefühl zu schützen und sich nicht an Entwertungen dieses wichtigen Gefühls zu beteiligen. dass die Kinder, die ja von der Bildungsministerin Bulmahn sogar einen internettauglichen PC versprochen bekommen haben, ganz anders in diese Gesellschaft hineinwachsen werden als wir Erwachsene es getan haben, sollte uns dabei klar sein.
Um sich in der Situation des drohenden Verlustes des Schamgefühls am Islam zu orientieren, kann man auch auf Lösungsvorgaben aus der Lebenswelt der frühen Muslime zurückgreifen. Dort hatte man bereits das Alleinsein mit einem Menschen anderen Geschlechts außerhalb der Verwandtschaftsbande als Gefahr angesehen, als Annäherung an Zina (nachlesbar z.B. in dem Kapitel der sira über "Hadith al-ifk").
Man empfand das Alleinsein oder gar die Berührung eines nicht verwandtschaftlich gebundenen Geschlechtsgegenübers als peinlich, man schämte sich. Die Höflichkeitsformen, die Muslime gegenüber dem Muslim anderen Geschlechts kennen, sind im Kern Distanzformen aus Scham und lassen somit hintergründige Annäherungsversuche nicht zu; das, was sich im Europa der Minnezeit als die Hochachtung vor dem weiblichen Geschlecht ausdrückte, lässt sich höchstwahrscheinlich auf das Schamgefühl der Muslime zurückführen, die mit ihm den Respekt vor der Frau ausdrückten.
Die Muslime gingen sogar soweit, die Häuser und die Straßen der Viertel so anzulegen, dass es nicht zu unzüchtigen Begegnungen kommen konnte. Sie wussten genau, dass die Unzucht mit dem Voyeurismus beginnt. Ein Hadith aus der Sammlung des Buchari beschreibt einen solchen Voyeur, der in das Haus des Propheten (s), in seine Privatsphäre also, durch ein Loch hineinzuspähen versuchte. Der Prophet(s) bemerkt den Voyeur und entgegnete ihm, dass er, hätte er ihn von innerhalb des Hauses bemerkt, seinen kleinen Stock, mit dem er sich seinen Rücken zu kratzen pflegte, durch das Guckloch gestoßen hätte.7
Eine rigorose Androhung, die dem Schutzwert der vom Islam geschützten privaten Sphäre entspricht. Entsprechend der Bedeckung der Privatgemächer durch die Fassade des Hauses wird im Islam auch auf das Bedecken des Leibes durch die Kleidung geachtet. Die Entblößung, der Verlust des Schamgefühls und alles, was dazu führt, wird offenbar als Weg zu Zina angesehen. Zina kann sich im allgemeinen erst ergeben, wenn eine gewisse Liederlichkeit durch Sprache oder Gebärde entstanden ist, aufgrund der man sich getraut, seine Wünsche seinem Gegenüber mitzuteilen. Wenn die frühen Muslime die Fassaden ihrer Häuser in diesem Sinne fensterlos gestalteten - z.T. bis heute -, um bereits den Blick von außen ins Haus nicht zuzulassen, dann geschieht in Europa gegenwärtig genau das Gegenteil. Man "erweitert" die Fensteröffnungen in den Privatbereichen, um möglichst alles zu präsentieren, was innerhalb der Privatsphäre geschieht und sie im Grunde damit zu beseitigen.
Die mir im Moment bekannte extremste Form dieses Voyeurismus ist die Sendung "Big Brother", in der praktisch das "Fernsehfenster" einen Einblick für Millionen Menschen auf Personen gewährt, die offenbar ihren Spaß daran haben, sich schamlos einem voyeuristischen Publikum zu zeigen. Im Internet werden Möglichkeiten angeboten, durch geheime Kamerafenster zu schauen oder Menschen in ihrer Privatwohnung zu beobachten. Offensichtlich ist die Idee zur Sendung "Big Brother" aus der Beobachtung von Trends im Internet entstanden. Kameras für das Internet werden neuerdings in Supermärkten günstig angeboten, so dass bald mit einer neuen Qualitätsstufe des sich Entblößens und des Betrachtens zu rechnen ist, eine Stufe, die aus dem Zustand des Spektakulären in den des Alltäglichen überführt. Zina rückt so immer weiter in den Bereich des Normalen vor und wird unmerklich zu etwas Legitimen.
Wie können wir Muslime den "heiligen Bezirk" wahren? Dadurch, dass wir unser Schamgefühl pflegen und es uns nicht ausreden lassen, was man nämlich lange schon versucht hat. In der Psychoanalyse hatte man das Schamgefühl als ein Instrumentarium der Selbstunterdrückung ausgemacht, dabei ist es ein sehr feines Instrument für die Ermessung einer gesunden Distanz zwischen Privatsphäre und Öffentlichkeit, dazu ein Mittel zur Befreiung von der Diktatur der Triebe. "Wenn du dich nicht schämst, dann tu was du willst", heißt es im Hadith.8 Die Gefahr für das Schamgefühl ist nun, dass man sich durch die Wiederholung des Schamlosen an diesen Zustand gewöhnt und das Schamgefühl verliert. So summieren sich viele kleine Ereignisse zu der Vorstellung, das Schamgefühl sei nicht mehr zeitgemäß.
Durch die Absenkung der Schamgrenzen im öffentlichen Raum bestehen bald kaum noch Unterschiede zwischen Öffentlichkeit und Privatheit. Die Differenz kann nicht mehr wahrgenommen werden. Es gibt nichts Öffentliches mehr, weil es nichts Privates mehr gibt Das Intimste wird vor allen Menschen, im Fernsehen und im Internet, mitgeteilt. Und das Öffentliche wird über das Fernsehen dort mitgeteilt, wo es eigentlich nichts zu suchen hat, in der Privatsphäre. Für die Ehe bedeutet all das, das Fehlen eines schützenden Bezirkes, da öffentliche Interessen, zumeist kommerzieller Art, in die Privatsphäre eingreifen. Eine echte Belastung für die Partnerschaft. Die Lösung scheint zu sein, all das, was in Europa zu einer Beherrschung des Privatbereiches tendiert, so zu organisieren, dass es nur dort wirkt, wo es hingehört, in den öffentlichen Raum. Ich meine beispielsweise Folgendes:
Das Internet wirkt besonders dadurch, dass die schamlosen Angebote anonym genutzt werden können. Das Internet wird daher von vielen dazu benutzt, in einem abgeschlossenen Raum Perverses zu begaffen; in einem öffentlichen Raum würden sie sich das überlegen, denn sie könnten gesehen werden und das wäre ihnen peinlich. Der Punkt, an dem das Internet auf die Schwäche des Menschen trifft, ist die Anonymität, niemand sieht ihn, niemand beobachtet ihn. Das Schamgefühl kann in dem Moment entstehen, wo ich das Internet öffentlich benutze, denn das Schamgefühl ist zutiefst und eigentlich ein soziales Gefühl, d.h. es entsteht erst dann, wenn wir nicht alleine sind, sondern in der Gemeinschaft [im Hadith wird ausdrücklich vor dem Alleinsein gewarnt, denn wer alleine ist, dessen Begleiter ist der Schaitan, heißt es; auch die Vorstellung, in der Nähe Gottes zu leben, erzeugt dieses Gefühl (Ih-ssan)]. die modernen Medien Zielen aber gerade in ihrer Berührung des Sexualtriebes auf den alleine lebenden Menschen - zunächst jedenfalls.
Die Beherrschung meiner Triebe durch Mächte, die an mir verdienen möchten, kann also dadurch verhindert werden, dass ich das Internet in einem gewissen sinne öffentlich benutze. Wenn ich also zu zweit surfe und nicht alleine, ist das Internet öffentlich. Wenn ich es in einem Café benutze, ist es öffentlich, wenn ich es aber zu Hause und alleine benutze, ohne dass mich jemand beobachten kann, bin ich allein mit einer Technik, die es auf die Ausreizung meiner Triebe angelegt hat, bin ich in der Position des Schwächeren. Wenn wir schon nicht um das Internet herumkommen, weil offenbar zur Zeit alles dafür getan wird, die öffentliche Kommunikation auf diese Ebene zu überführen, wollten wir Muslime uns zumindest daran gewöhnen, es so zu organisieren, dass es aus dem intimen Privatbereich herausgenommen wird und in eine öffentliche Sphäre verlegt wird, in der wir uns schämen können - was natürlich auch für andere Medien gelten könnte. Der mehr oder weniger ständige Beschuss mit schamlosen Inhalten führt zur Gewöhnung an Schamloses und lässt die Hemmungen in Bezug auf Entblößung sinken, und lässt eine Annäherung an Zina zu. Was wir momentan in Europa beobachten können, ist nicht allein die Umwandlung des Schamgefühls, es ist die Zerstörung der Ehe durch Zina, ist die Destabilisierung der gesamten Gesellschaft.
Zusammenfassung: Die Sexualität ist in Europa seit den großen Kriegen im allgemeinen nichts mehr, was nur noch zwischen den Ehepartnern stattfindet. Die Sexualität wurde von der Ehe abgekoppelt und in Beziehung zu Gütern gebracht, zumeist aus kommerziellem Interesse - was hat etwa ein Milchprodukt mit einer attraktiven Frau zu tun? Das gefährdet die Partnerbeziehungen der Muslime, die in der Ehe einen bewahrenswerten Wert sehen. die Sexualisierung des Alltags verstärkt nicht den Trieb oder lässt ihn ausleben, wie man denken könnte, sondern mindert ihn einerseits und treibt die Menschen andererseits hin zum Perversen. Die Ablenkung der Partner voneinander, die auch aus der Lebensfremdheit des Perversen entsteht, ist aber ein Weg hin zu Zina. Die Gewöhnung an diese Vorgänge lässt das Schamgefühl sinken, was zur Zeit dramatisch geschieht. Offenbar kommt es darauf an, den Sinn für das Schamgefühl zu bewahren. Wir sollten als Muslime die subtilen Mechanismen dieser Zerstörung kennen, beispielsweise im Internet. Die Revolution des Kommunikationsbereiches führt wahrscheinlich zu tief greifenden Änderungen des Privatbereiches; keine Schutzzone bleibt mehr vor Handy oder Bildschirm verschont, selbst das Gebet nicht. Die Ehe ist auf das Äußerste gefährdet.
Quelle: Al-Islam, Ayyub Mühlbauer
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1 Vgl. z.B. Al-Nawawi, Vierzig Hadithe, Nr 6, in der Übertragung von Ahmad von Denffer, Leicester 1979; auch bei Buchari 2/38
2 Erstaunlicherweise und in der Konsequenz des Gedankens liegend wird der nächste Vers, der sich auf den Besitz der Waisen bezieht, wieder mit der Wendung "nähert euch nicht", la taqrabu, eingeleitet, weil es offenbar die Gier nach Besitz ist, ein Drang also, dem sich die hilflosen Waisen ausgesetzt sehen.
3 Vgl. dazu etwa die Beschreibungen in Hans Falladas Roman "Kleiner Mann was nun?"; Hamburg 1932.
4 Der Roman von Günter Grass "Die Blechtrommel", der Anfang der sechziger Jahre bekannt wurde, enthält einige Szenen, die damals noch für einen Teil der Öffentlichkeit kaum akzeptabel waren, heute aber schon lange niemanden mehr aufregen.
5 Die Fernsehwerbung ist ein auffälliges Beispiel dafür, wie Produkte von der Zahnpasta über Kaugummis bis zur Seife durch Zusammenstellung mit Sexuellem in die Aufmerksamkeitssphäre des Menschen gezogen werden können, obwohl kein Interesse am Produkt besteht.
6 Allerdings auch hier nur eingeschränkt; man schützte die Privatsphäre, um über das Idealbild der "Fürstenfamilie" eine subtile Beherrschung dieser unzugänglichen Sphäre zu erreichen. Die bürgerliche Familie war durchaus nach dem Vorbild feudaler Familien gestaltet.
7 Im Sahih Muslim finden sich mehrere Kapitel zu diesem Thema u a. das für die Raumgestaltung relevante Kapitel über das Verbot, heimlich in ein Haus zu blicken: Sahl ibn Sad as-Sai'di überlieferte, dass eine Person durch ein Loch in der Tür des Hauses des Propheten blickte; der Prophet hatte etwas bei sich, mit dem er seinen Kopf kratzte. Als der Prophet ihn sah, sagte er: Hätte ich gewußt, dass du durch das Loch guckst, dann hätte ich es (das Stöckchen) durch das Loch gesteckt und er sagte: das Einfordern der Erlaubnis ist notwendig als Schutz gegen den unerlaubten Blick." (Muslim 5366, vgl. die engliche Übersetzung von A.H. Sidiqqi).
8 Al-Nawawi, op. cit., Nr. 20.
Quelle: Al-Islam
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